Disclaimer: my views do not reflect the opinions of the Tag Wrangling Committee nor Volunteers & Recruiting.
Since my post last week I have been overwhelmed with the really thoughtful commentary and discussion on my previous entry. Particularly with fellow volunteers who really helped me feel less isolated who have worked in other parts of the organization:
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copracat,
sanders, all the folks who have emailed me and reached out privately...thank you. The wranglers that have stopped by: thank you, as well, because your support means so much. Plus, my staff, who assured me, hey, Renay, you haven't failed, except for your habit of being late to meetings because of farm equipment (okay, they didn't say that, they said other more thoughtful, awesome thing, but...I do seem to have bad luck with farm equipment and Tag Wrangling meetings). It's all been very energizing and uplifting and hopeful, while at the same time, getting harder and harder as I approach the end of the term.
More personally and closely, as I have been reading more and more about wrangling and the discontent involved: if you are a wrangler and have been unhappy and discouraged, I am sorry. If you have questions you want answers to and feel safe enough to ask them, you can always, at any time, email me at bottle.of.shine@gmail.com and I will try to answer them. I cannot promise resolution to issues, I cannot promise neat answers, but I can offer you what I know if it is in my ability to do so. You worked on the archive; you deserve a safe space to ask.
Meanwhile, there's been a lot of changes since my post. One of the candidates I am supporting, Lucy Pearson,
has withdrawn from the field of candidates. This is very disappointing on a personal level because I know Lucy to be excellent at dealing with people. I had high hopes that she would help the Board treat volunteers and their ideas fairly. She would have been an asset. However, in light of my own struggles, I am pleased she chose self-care over the OTW so she can still volunteer in the future. I feel lucky to have worked with her closely when I had the chance and hope to again once day. Lucy, you are awesome. ♥
There have been other posts and other commentary that spans a wide array of topics. I've been reading everything; it's a marvel to think you're mostly alone and then to realize you're not, either in experience or opinion. However, even with Lucy's departure, my ticket has only lost one person and I am not sure I will be replacing the space Lucy occupied. Which means my ticket becomes:
Julia Beck,
Jenny Scott-Thompson,
Nikisha Sanders. There are now
2011 OTW Candidate Profiles that I have to read more closely before I decide whether or not I can vote for Betsy Ronsenblatt after what I felt was not a great answer to the server name question (a situation that really upset me as a fan from non-Western fandoms). We'll see.
( a collection of quotes )I defended this organization before I was even a member or a volunteer, when others called it a vanity project, a BNF circle jerk with no future. I don't regret that decision and think that myself and others like me who have finally had enough and spoken up prove that it was starting to become something bigger, brighter, and more promising than even the founders could have imagined. But you can't build something up if you don't have the people to do it or the people that are doing it resent the hell out of you or you constantly undermine and roadblock their efforts to grow.
It doesn't work. People will sit down and shut up plenty, but eventually they will hit the breaking point where they will not only stand up, but they'll launch out of their chair, heave it over their heads and chunk it through the window and they won't even think about apologizing for spraying you with the glass. I reached that point when I lost my mentor. I don't even know how to explain how angry I was, still am, will always be that this was allowed to happen. I have no words for the fury, the loss, the unimaginable
waste of driving away such a valuable team member. It's
pathetic that the organization has done this, has let this happen. It's
shameful.
There were people who started this organization. They're important. They have skills and talent that are valuable. I was always interested in the concept and they got me interested by nature of their influence. But those founders? They did not make me believe in this organization. I believed in The Organization for Transformative Works because Allison Morris was my mentor and she loved the fuck out of it and she shared that love with me. She shared a lot with me, actually: her knowledge of how the organization works, her knowledge of how to get things accomplished. I am on Volunteers & Recruiting because of her, and I didn't even know I would love it as much as I do. She gave me skills for a lifetime and a committee I could serve proudly for years and years. She is an excellent mentor. She was an excellent lead when I was a wrangler, an excellent chair on VolCom, and excellent Board member. I treasured her feedback, I went to her when I was stuck or scared or confused, she helped me through organization problems, she helped me not lose my mind during Yuletide 2010, she taught me to listen better and communicate more effectively. She was my rock.
And she's leaving. She's
leaving because she has reached the point of "can't". Her, countless others. "Can't."
I have more support, true. But for me, I only had one organization mentor, and she was it. For the last two years she's been there every step of my journey. I can't imagine what not having her in the org with me, working side by side will be like. And I am infuriated that it has to be this way, but not at her. She deserves this; she deserves to leave and do things in places that will value her. She wrote a post,
look it's not a gchat transcript, in which she said:
You need the little voices, too. We need to show that it isn't one woman or five friends, but thousands worldwide, maybe more, and we engage, we think, we create. That's the insides of our brains. That's what we do while working third shift or doing data entry or driving our commutes or talking with friends or reading a magazine. We are in conversation with the world. We are NOT passive in that: CONversation, WITH -- and advertising, arts, events, books, movies, TV, comics, all of it, we interact with it. We aren't just consuming. We are never passive. We're thinking, musing, exploring, joking, discussing, wanting, mocking, hating, and loving.
I volunteered for this organization because I wanted to carve a space for my fandom. I stayed because Allison convinced me it would be beautiful over here. It still could be. I want to stay and make it beautiful, for her to one day feel comfortable coming back to. This is why I am sticking: because she gave me a voice, because she gave me confidence, because she believed in me when I didn't believe in myself, because she stuck by me through every mistake and taught me how to be better, because she admitted her own and moved forward and set an example I want to follow. I care so deeply and personally about the volunteer experience in this organization because she cared personally about this experience of this volunteer, this no-name fan who showed 1% initiative, ended up with all the things, and also a chair.
The organization is richer and more loving because of her effort and it poorer for the lack of her. She's my mentor and my friend and I will miss building this org with her but look forward to seeing her happier, more whole, at peace. Thank you, Allison, for everything. ♥
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