Entry tags:

teaspoons: the reckoning

You know what, I thought I might respond to this, but I decided I am absolutely, totally out of spoons. Instead I will post our last exchange here because I doubt it will be available much longer (it was public as of 12:22pm CST). This is how people run out of spoons, run out of energy to educate people, and it answers the question: why didn't you tell me? These are the reasons we don't tell, don't speak up, pretend we didn't see, and know in our hearts that we can lift teaspoon after teaspoon, and they'll be scooping the water back with their hands where they think we can't see.

We see too well, I'm afraid, and it's not even enough to make me mad. It just hurts my heart.


His post:

Dear fandom, shut up.
Re: this. http://renay.dreamwidth.org/189010.html And my comments, which, to nobody's surprise, have been met with much rage. So I gave up and deleted my Sazh icon and apologised for not agreeing with everyone. To anyone that remembers that icon ("Fried Chicken Fan - No, not Barret"), did you find it racist and/or offensive? If so, why didn't you tell me? I am so annoyed right now. I've surrendered under an avalanche of serious business and yet they're still going to mock me relentlessly. I feel as if I've been exiled from fandom. Until this shitstorm blows over (now there's an image for you!) I won't be posting anything FF- or KH-related for a while.

My reply:

I do remember many, many Barret icons of that nature. I have tried to speak to several iconmakers over the years and got the same reaction as I did this time. I've been compiling the newsletter since 2005. I have seen them. My eventual choice was go insane or stop bothering–because they refused to listen. I have not seen you use any icon like this in the last year—I would have said something.

If no one calls you on doing or saying racist things—why do you think that is? Look at some of the reactions I got. How many times after getting that reaction would make you stop and go, "this isn't worth it."? It took me about five and then I used my white privilege to ignore the problem. I was wrong to do so, but I did it. Imagine being a person of color—how many times do you think they would've heard those same reactions, those same lectures on how it's just not racist, it's just a JOKE? Way more than me, because I'm white, and I spent most of my life, not just doing and saying racist things but actually racist, actively and proudly. I've been the oppressor. So there's your answer to why people don't say anything—they have the privilege to ignore it, or they have reached a point in their life where they have no more energy to educate white people who don't want to listen and learn.

I find this post problematic so I've come to add some more serious business, because here you've framed yourself as the victim of some attack on your person and neither I or any of the readers in my comments did so. We were stern, and forceful, and had little respect for a position that's nothing but a repetition of positions we've seen over and over. I have no problem with you, I have a problem with your words, and your lack of education on this topic. I'm not mocking you; I'm asking you to stop, and listen and read and learn and grow and ask questions if you need to because there are many people who would happily help you, like we were helped. I'm asking to you find empathy.

Don't run from your mistakes. Stay and explore the anger and the disappointment aimed at you, and learn how to recognize these things. Become an ally; don't frame yourself as an enemy. Staying is harder. It's not easy to step up and own these things, but the truth is, people will remember you for your willingness to do that and respect you much more, as opposed to them remembering that when the going got tough you bowed out.

Think about this: POC never, ever get to back out. It's their life.

Read justira's post for a thoughtful examination of this subject if you'd like. She's more patient than I am, and that's the truth.

His reply to me:

Wahey, it was only a matter of time before you started stalking me here. Welcome. Enjoy your stay at my livejournal.

Now here's where my incredulousness reaches infinity:
Every single paragraph in this comment makes less and less sense.

Paragraph 1: You're pissed because you think I'm ignorant.
Paragraph 2: You're being hypocritical because even though I'm the first of, say, three people who disagreed with you and defended themselves, you proceed to huffily reject any and all reason and then come stalk me on my LJ.
Paragraph 3: You're trying to be sympathetic by being a bitch.
Paragraph 4: You're contradicting yourself and running the entitlement complex into the ground - I'm not allowed to disagree with you but you are allowed to disagree with me.
Paragraph 5: You're trying to tell me that because I'm not a Person of Colour that my opinion is meaningless. Lucky for me I'm from a white European family! Never mind that my family was discriminated against by arrogant Australians.
Paragraph 6: You're trying to offer a better option to listening to you? Are you worried I'm not taking you seriously?

In summary, while you commit a sextuple fallacy (want a gold star for that?), you're belittling me further because I gave up and acquiesced to your REALLY LOUD AND FORCEFUL wishes?

Was this some sort of game? Am I missing the point here?

I already did what you wanted - removed the damn icon and retracted all my comments - and you're still not happy.

For the record - and I hope you understand this because I'm sick of trying to defend myself and the iconmaker in question, who happens to be a friend of mine:

I initially chose that icon because I found the juxtaposition of "HEY IT'S A CHICKEN SIDEKICK" and "HEY WOULDN'T IT BE LULZTASTIC IF SAZH HAD TO CONSTANTLY BATTLE THE TEMPTATION OF CONSUMING HIS SIDEKICK" delightful.

But that's okay. Jump to more and more ridiculous conclusions, I won't hold a grudge against you.

I just don't know any more.

My one request is to go and look through my userpics right now. *Right now.* Notice a lack of Sazh. When you notice that, I want you to come back and tell me you're satisfied.

My bottom line, to him and everyone else: the problem stopped being just the icons when people started defending their usage with extremely problematic words. Stop using the icons, yes, and then come back, because you defended them and you have to fix that mess you made, as well.

You do not deserve kudos for being a decent human being.

I expect more. This goes for everyone, especially me. I learned by screwing up—a lot. I learned by hurting PoC, countless, so many it makes me ill to think of it. I learned by getting tired of being defensive and making people miserable and listening. I am still learning and I make huge mistakes even now, as an ally. I did not learn or become an ally by using words to my potential educators like the following he used to frame my disappoint and contempt for paricular actions:

pissed
huffily
stalk (2)
bitch

So now he's using loaded and sexist terms to fire back at me. This is the first time I've been hurt personally during this debate, and it does hurt to be treated this way, framed as irrationally angry and handled so thoughtlessly by someone I genuinely liked, for the record. This is how people like me are silenced and shamed into shutting up. Who wants to be accused of stalking someone (as if I didn't find his post because he linked to me in my referrals)? Who wants to be called a bitch in a context like this? Because you know us ladies! If we're unhappy, we're bitching, and it never means anything good for the dudes, or has any worth as speech at all. To anyone. But especially the dudes.

Here are some other people who have weighed in on this topic:

justira: Time to discuss racism and humour! aka how about them mildly infamous icons?
vi: Bingo in FF fandom
heebee: Anyone else finding the "ironic" fried chicken and/or watermelon-themed Sazh Katzroy icons in poor taste? (the comments are a gold mine)

All of these people are rockstars for stepping up, being brave, and wielding their teaspoons. Hearts to them.