subverting the text

ATTN USA: Girl Scout Cookies are now on sale! Buy many boxes and support future ladies!

2012-01-26T03:04:00Z

renay: Professor still hasn't replied to my email! It was a serious academic question, professor!
echthroi: That's questionable, since your last academic paper had the word "cock" in the title.

Hello, friends! Many days have passed and I have returned to the soul-crushing embrace of $dayjob where I earn a terrible amount of money selling popcorn. Today I went in on my day off to find one of the ICEE pumps hissing, as they do when they're out and there are no replacements, and everyone was like RENAY PLEASE FIX IT I KNOW YOU'RE OFF THE CLOCK BUT MAKE IT STOP (dramatization). It's nice to be appreciated instead of yelled at, which will happen the first weekend after tax returns have gone out and we're all grasping to throttle various necks, so I should enjoy it while it lasts. Everyone missed me a lot and I was the recipient of many great hugs and one awkward handshake. Normally it is the opposite; this was a nice change.

Other news:
I started a reading project with echthroi in January: She Wrote What?

( OTW work )

I wrote more Teen Wolf fic, a little Inception fic, got a cat spayed, created a Youtube playlist of songs from a D-TV special I loved a as a kid, and spent a lot of time thinking about my resume but not actually working on it. Where did you go, January?

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[fic] Open the Door

2012-01-02T14:11:03Z

Hello, friends! Today is my birthday and I have continued the tradition of writing a self-indulgent piece of fanfiction.

There is this show. It is called Teen Wolf. It it ostensibly a show rebooting the movie from the 80s while making it "edgy" (i.e. they stole the premise to do their own thing, thumbs up, creators). I do not have cable, so I mainlined all 12 episodes with chaosraven over Skype/Netflix during a two day period of perfection, extremely waxed men playing teenaged boys (really, it's Teen Wolf: No Body Hair), and Derek being a complete creeper and also super hot. Then I wrote 23,000 words about boys and their feelings in a week (with no knotting, alas). This show was sold to me with the following argument: it's extremely slashy, Stiles is amazing and also, Derek. It was really good for me and I have no shame. This story will immediately be jossed on the premiere of season two when everyone is inevitably given a heterosexual life partner. Come on, MTV, don't you know that Merriam-Webster added the word "bromance" to their dictionary this year? Get with the program.

Beta'ed by the peerless, comma-smashing chaosraven, who slogged through the mire of this draft heroically in less than a week. Thanks for all the corpses of those run-on sentences you laid at my feet, darling. This is all your fault, as per usual.

Title: Open the Door
Rating: PG-13, for lack of knotting
Summary: (Teen Wolf) Derek gives Stiles his jacket.

( Read more... )

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Not to count my chickens or anything...

2011-12-09T21:18:41Z

My final essay, titled "The Cock is not a Joke: Decoupling Political and Social Power from the Penis" was one of nine A's (the highest grade given). The professor wrote, "Excellent. First rate. You do a fine, detailed job of outlining Halberstam's essay. Your paper is well written and beautifully argued."

This is notable because it is the last essay comment from a professor I will receive and the grade that ensured my A in the class. I earned high A's in Lit Theory and American Indian, and a D — 66% — in Algebra, which I am so grateful to echthroi for, because I couldn't have done it without him. Thanks to justira and seventhe for giving me this opportunity and believing in me and supporting me through my university's continued fail and tone deaf behavior.

I have earned my B.A. in English and my history minor. I'm done. \o/

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OTW: Willing to Serve Drive!

2011-11-28T10:11:06Z

*puts on VolCom cape*

It's that time of year again where I lay down in front of everyone I know and go, "Hey, want to come volunteer for the OTW?"

It's been an interesting year. I have Big Plans for next year (relaxation, making alasen bring me fruity drinks as I lounge idly on the sidelines, trolling samjohnsson as much as possible). I feel like it's going to be a pretty good year and as a bonus I won't be in school? We hope. :|

There are updated Committee Descriptions outlining the different work our many committees do. We also have a much-improved volunteer interest form. Sending in a form (created with love by VolCom, Webs, and many other committees) registers you as interested in the 2012 term. You will receive a confirmation letter letting you know we've received your form and then we will contact you in January as committees begin to form. You can spend December imaging how awesome it's going to be and how much is going to get accomplished (lots).

For now, I have finals to defeat. Back to the abyss of lit theory! /o\

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OTW thoughts, but with liberal application of kittens.

2011-11-19T18:20:23Z

I told Twitter my thoughts about the election and my feelings on the coming year. Now I actually have to start worrying about other things, like the year-end chair report and handover notes and finishing up all the work before I ~~run, screaming~~ calmly vacate my chair for some ~~other sucker~~ vibrant, energetic new leader.

Now I'm admitting the truth behind some of my absence: a kitten. Yes, my OTW work was so stressful I chose a kitten. Not a tumblr kitten, or a kitten video: an actual kitten.

( Kitten! )

Pash doesn't enjoy stillness so much; I caught her mid-stretch here. She is not diseased, so the vet says, so we're keeping her. She has so much energy and of course we can't let her have the run of the apartment yet because Vox might eat her. I can already see Vox plotting her death when she even gets a whiff of her presence. Loki, of course, doesn't care much as long as Pash leaves him be. He's so Zen. Why can't Vox be Zen? No, instead, she needs Prozac. Sigh.

She looks like a Vox/Loki combo which is hilarious considering Vox is way more likely to chew Loki's face off than ever have kitty sexy times with him.

On the way to becoming a crazy cat lady, although I don't know what to say about zachariah in that case. He totally enabled me by getting all fond when he played with her.

Yay, kitten. :)

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On silence

2011-11-15T08:37:54Z

The truth is it's difficult to hear you've hurt people without meaning to do so. I know it because I've been there; I dislike doing hurting other people. I never stood up to say what I said in order to hurt people, but it's probably happened. I tried to be careful to keep it about actions: it's not who you are, it's what you did (or didn't do). What I didn't do: speak up when I should have, which would have possibly helped me avoid saying everything all at once during an already tough time.

Silence has been a criticism this election cycle, but I am just as guilty of it as any of the people also being accused of it deliberately. I used silence as a shield so I wouldn't have to face trying to talk things out and having my fears validated. In the right situation silence is: a tactic, a weapon, a judgment call, an insult, an excuse. Silence is the monster under the bed, a crushing sense of disappointment, the thing we fear most when we send our contributions, whatever they may be, out into the world. Silence is the email not answered (they're ignoring me) the volunteer form not replied to (I guess they don't need my help), the draft not edited (...do they think it sucks?), the conversation not held (they'll only tell me how much I screwed up again), the comment left hanging (they said they would reply...). Silence eradicates good faith. Silence makes a person feel at once, safe, but alone. Silence grows. Silence can be destructive. Silence feels secure, but it's an illusion built out of the reality of our own doubts. Silence is what I embraced. In a culture of silence there can be no understanding. A culture of silence and a culture of fear aren't so different, after all.

Looking back over a year and a half of silence, I don't think it earned me much. Oh well. Live and learn (and then get louder). That's my plan and I think it's a keeper.

One final link, and if you read any link for the election please make it this one. It's not stressful, unless you get upset about the Ultimate Cliffhanger of never knowing if Candidate Pizza won a Seat (I feel like Candidate Pizza probably did, after all, it's pizza).

I worked on the explanation for 2011 OTW Elections Voting - The Process!. There are multiple types of examples there; I have a much better grasp of the process and how it works than I did last year. Please check this out and pass it on. :)

With that, I am off to stumble into finals, hoping I don't flunk Algebra so I can get my degree (please degree fairies, oh please).

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oh OTW no

2011-11-13T03:40:41Z

Disclaimer: my views do not reflect the opinions of the Tag Wrangling Committee nor Volunteers & Recruiting.

Since my post last week I have been overwhelmed with the really thoughtful commentary and discussion on my previous entry. Particularly with fellow volunteers who really helped me feel less isolated who have worked in other parts of the organization: copracat, sanders, all the folks who have emailed me and reached out privately...thank you. The wranglers that have stopped by: thank you, as well, because your support means so much. Plus, my staff, who assured me, hey, Renay, you haven't failed, except for your habit of being late to meetings because of farm equipment (okay, they didn't say that, they said other more thoughtful, awesome thing, but...I do seem to have bad luck with farm equipment and Tag Wrangling meetings). It's all been very energizing and uplifting and hopeful, while at the same time, getting harder and harder as I approach the end of the term.

More personally and closely, as I have been reading more and more about wrangling and the discontent involved: if you are a wrangler and have been unhappy and discouraged, I am sorry. If you have questions you want answers to and feel safe enough to ask them, you can always, at any time, email me at bottle.of.shine@gmail.com and I will try to answer them. I cannot promise resolution to issues, I cannot promise neat answers, but I can offer you what I know if it is in my ability to do so. You worked on the archive; you deserve a safe space to ask.

Meanwhile, there's been a lot of changes since my post. One of the candidates I am supporting, Lucy Pearson, has withdrawn from the field of candidates. This is very disappointing on a personal level because I know Lucy to be excellent at dealing with people. I had high hopes that she would help the Board treat volunteers and their ideas fairly. She would have been an asset. However, in light of my own struggles, I am pleased she chose self-care over the OTW so she can still volunteer in the future. I feel lucky to have worked with her closely when I had the chance and hope to again once day. Lucy, you are awesome. ♥

There have been other posts and other commentary that spans a wide array of topics. I've been reading everything; it's a marvel to think you're mostly alone and then to realize you're not, either in experience or opinion. However, even with Lucy's departure, my ticket has only lost one person and I am not sure I will be replacing the space Lucy occupied. Which means my ticket becomes: Julia Beck, Jenny Scott-Thompson, Nikisha Sanders. There are now 2011 OTW Candidate Profiles that I have to read more closely before I decide whether or not I can vote for Betsy Ronsenblatt after what I felt was not a great answer to the server name question (a situation that really upset me as a fan from non-Western fandoms). We'll see.

( a collection of quotes )

I defended this organization before I was even a member or a volunteer, when others called it a vanity project, a BNF circle jerk with no future. I don't regret that decision and think that myself and others like me who have finally had enough and spoken up prove that it was starting to become something bigger, brighter, and more promising than even the founders could have imagined. But you can't build something up if you don't have the people to do it or the people that are doing it resent the hell out of you or you constantly undermine and roadblock their efforts to grow. It doesn't work. People will sit down and shut up plenty, but eventually they will hit the breaking point where they will not only stand up, but they'll launch out of their chair, heave it over their heads and chunk it through the window and they won't even think about apologizing for spraying you with the glass. I reached that point when I lost my mentor. I don't even know how to explain how angry I was, still am, will always be that this was allowed to happen. I have no words for the fury, the loss, the unimaginable waste of driving away such a valuable team member. It's pathetic that the organization has done this, has let this happen. It's shameful.

There were people who started this organization. They're important. They have skills and talent that are valuable. I was always interested in the concept and they got me interested by nature of their influence. But those founders? They did not make me believe in this organization. I believed in The Organization for Transformative Works because Allison Morris was my mentor and she loved the fuck out of it and she shared that love with me. She shared a lot with me, actually: her knowledge of how the organization works, her knowledge of how to get things accomplished. I am on Volunteers & Recruiting because of her, and I didn't even know I would love it as much as I do. She gave me skills for a lifetime and a committee I could serve proudly for years and years. She is an excellent mentor. She was an excellent lead when I was a wrangler, an excellent chair on VolCom, and excellent Board member. I treasured her feedback, I went to her when I was stuck or scared or confused, she helped me through organization problems, she helped me not lose my mind during Yuletide 2010, she taught me to listen better and communicate more effectively. She was my rock.

And she's leaving. She's leaving because she has reached the point of "can't". Her, countless others. "Can't."

I have more support, true. But for me, I only had one organization mentor, and she was it. For the last two years she's been there every step of my journey. I can't imagine what not having her in the org with me, working side by side will be like. And I am infuriated that it has to be this way, but not at her. She deserves this; she deserves to leave and do things in places that will value her. She wrote a post, look it's not a gchat transcript, in which she said:

You need the little voices, too. We need to show that it isn't one woman or five friends, but thousands worldwide, maybe more, and we engage, we think, we create. That's the insides of our brains. That's what we do while working third shift or doing data entry or driving our commutes or talking with friends or reading a magazine. We are in conversation with the world. We are NOT passive in that: CONversation, WITH -- and advertising, arts, events, books, movies, TV, comics, all of it, we interact with it. We aren't just consuming. We are never passive. We're thinking, musing, exploring, joking, discussing, wanting, mocking, hating, and loving.

I volunteered for this organization because I wanted to carve a space for my fandom. I stayed because Allison convinced me it would be beautiful over here. It still could be. I want to stay and make it beautiful, for her to one day feel comfortable coming back to. This is why I am sticking: because she gave me a voice, because she gave me confidence, because she believed in me when I didn't believe in myself, because she stuck by me through every mistake and taught me how to be better, because she admitted her own and moved forward and set an example I want to follow. I care so deeply and personally about the volunteer experience in this organization because she cared personally about this experience of this volunteer, this no-name fan who showed 1% initiative, ended up with all the things, and also a chair.

The organization is richer and more loving because of her effort and it poorer for the lack of her. She's my mentor and my friend and I will miss building this org with her but look forward to seeing her happier, more whole, at peace. Thank you, Allison, for everything. ♥

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OTW, or, I am exhausted.

2011-11-04T09:46:52Z

I am meant to be on vacation, relaxing, but I'm not. I'm reading post after post going "the OTW sucks at recruitment!" (as a Volunteers & Recruiting staffer this is awful to read) or "boo, wrangling!" and it's really starting to wear on me. I've been down for awhile, but in truth I have a good support structure now: two great committees with awesome teams who are smart and kind and fair and love the org just like I do. But I am still tired, so tired. Two years as the head of one committee that's massive, both in informational scope and volunteer bodies changes you, especially when, as I did, you start as a regular volunteer on October 15th, 2009 and by January 2010 you're a lead (effectively a chair in the amount of sheer work I was doing) and then in July you're a full chair with no staff-only service in-between. I was technically an AD&T staffer, but I did not have time to deal with AD&T, I was too busy with my own tag wrangling business and projects. I understand why we have the term "lead" for subcommittees. It's useful, to denote which staffer has the knowledge of a project, but it's terribly misleading in some ways. I don't feel I ever did staff-level work.

I had good mentors, and a supportive team and still I struggled. In 2010 I collapsed at work, suffering from bronchitis and outright exhaustion from stress (and was told the bronchitis was likely a result from the underlying exhaustion). This year I backed off a lot in order not to do that again because I knew I couldn't sustain the same workload; I relied on my staff a lot. The reality of the OTW is that the more you care, the more tired you can get when you're constantly running into glass ceilings. I have felt ignored and oppressed for a large part of my tenure in all my positions. I have watched my work and contributions blocked for no good reason beyond "I don't like that". I have felt pressured and marginalized as a gaming fan. I have been asked to do work I thought was immensely unfair for both my staff and volunteers. I have watched miscommunication confuse and frustrate and harm my wrangling volunteers and staff. I have had my committee dismissed as unimportant. I don't believe any of this is malice or intentional. It just happened, because we were new and people can be thoughtless and all the running to Volunteers & Recruiting to talk it out in the world can't help when you're too afraid to say anything because you're afraid to run into the same dismissals you got before.

The overall tone that I get from the organization as a whole — in feeling if not in statement — as I have continued as chair was that mistakes could ruin you. Make a mistake or offend the wrong person: no one wants to work with you anymore. If you're a committee chair, that means your entire committee will be suspect. I don't know if this feeling is correct, but it felt correct and it defined a good portion of 2010 and the beginning of 2011 for me. I tried very hard not to make mistakes after that. I erred, and in erring I feel like I let my staff down, like I let the entire wrangling team down. There were so many things I wanted to get done that didn't happen. I didn't advocate hard enough. I didn't ask with enough confidence. I was too scared; of being a bother, of being too demanding, of facing the potential situation where I might be told Tag Wrangling wasn't important and my opinion — our opinions, because we're 100+ strong and we disagree and I try to respect that — were neither necessary or desired. I don't know how to communicate how terrified I am to hit "post" on this. I fear for the committees I'm a part of, even though I'm only speaking for myself. I'm at times terrified of people in key positions in this organization; am scared to speak with them or interact with them in any way. But most of the time I am just tired because I don't have the energy to be terrified. Like right now. I have pushed through the other side of terror into outright apathy. What's going to happen if I'm finally honest? Is Board going to fire me?

If the people looking at the OTW want to know what burnout looks like: I've lived it. I am it. I am a no-name fan that walked into the OTW who cared about Final Fantasy tagging (and the structure of meta-tags) and later volunteer retention and I ended up here and I am weary. I don't know how to put a finer point on it: the more you care the harder it gets when you feel like you're making very little headway, when people are telling you your anger is unwelcome and how dare you have feelings about providing your time and sometimes getting screwed over in really offensive ways. I am exhausted. I have soldiered on, but watched my mentors, my friends I've made, drift off, leave outright, rage-quit in protest. I've watched volunteers give up and say it was too much to handle or stand for and why bother? Then I read a statement from one of the founders of the organization that say "I don't actually agree that we are suffering an unusual wave of burnout beyond the endemic".

This statement makes me want to quit. Considering the work Volunteers & Recruiting does: this statement makes me want to say "fuck this" and peace out. I don't know what is meant to count as "unusual"? Do I count because I have said I can't chair anymore right now, for any reason? Or do I not get to because I keep throwing myself at the problems and refuse to back down even when I want to give up and don't? Do I get to count when I quit? How many people like me do we need to get to count the burnout levels we're experiencing as unusual? Who gets to define unusual? I'm on Volunteers & Recruiting. I know something about intakes and removing departing staff and volunteers and I think the reasons if not the rate are pretty fucking unusual myself, so I want to know what counts as unusual? When we have more documented records of people leaving because they're heartsick and unappreciated and ignored and run down and bullied into silence? When we have people doubling up as chairs and liaisons because we don't have the bodies to fill those positions anymore because we've burned through people willing to do it? When we can't find volunteers for committees that need them anymore? When four of the six candidates for Board all come out on a similar platforms of "what about our volunteers? What about communication?" When does it go beyond the endemic?

In my opinion, when the majority of people departing feel not only negative about the organization, but hostile, hopeless, bullied, exhausted, afraid to speak for fear of reprisals or all of the above, there's something wrong. I am not leaving, but I'm out of energy for politics and cruising the political avenues of Not Pissing Off the Wrong People. I am used up and burnt out and I feel feeble.

But don't worry. I'm just some no-name gaming fan; what do I know? We're not suffering from an unusual wave of burnout beyond the endemic, or anything.

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OTW volunteer work: October 2011

2011-11-01T07:26:54Z

When in doubt, copy your chair! Via has been doing interesting posts about her Volunteers & Recruiting work. They can be found under her OTW tag. I had vague ideas about doing these myself this term, but ha ha, Renay, please, you don't get to do things like that! Don't you know you're going to be failing Spanish and then Algebra? Get a clue. This is a rough breakdown of what I did this month as Tag Wrangling Chair and Volunteers & Recruiting staff. But first, have your friendly neighborhood Tag Wrangling staff, discussing serious wrangling business and guidelines:

Renay: Plus, we have Xparrot the Ninja!
Alison: renaming of Xparrot to Xparrot the Ninja
Xparrot: especially if I can get some sais and a cool mask out of the deal - just call me Ninja X!
Claudia: Hee! But should that be a canonical or only synned?
Laylah: Well, we might want to wait and see how users are actually tagging with the new identity -- like, would it be helpful for the fandom to have Xparrot the Ninja be a subtag? People writing Xparrot pastfic probably don't want to have the ninja version attached to their works....
Franzi: Do you get the cheesy Racer X outfit from Speed Racer too? ;)

Tag Wrangling Committee: Full Of Lolz. Basically, I was the luckiest chair and I will never pay the world back for this amount of awesome that got placed in front of my eyeballs.

( a snapshot of my volunteer work for October )

I am leaving so many things off of this list, but I honestly the last two weeks have been packed full of org work. I can't remember exactly everything unless I write it down, and at some point it becomes so much that you're like "okay, no, if I add anything else to this list I'm going to start demanding minimum wage, stop!"

I also realized, while sending the final open house zip file off to Webs, that we meant to offer AO3 invites at the Open House but didn't! /o\ We were so surprised at the turnout that I think we just forgot, oops, and no one was like FALSE ADVERTISING and demanded them. I have a few to give away for the people reading this journal that....don't have accounts (um...). Feel free to email me at bottle.of.shine@gmail.com or PM me (DW: renay, LJ: heyheyrenay) with your email address and I will send one! :D

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OTW 2011 Board Election

2011-10-18T04:14:53Z

In November, The Organization of Transformative Works will have an election for four available seats. I have lots of ~feelings~ about the OTW that are wrapped up in my efforts in 2010 and half of 2011 before my final term of university took over my life.

( My background )

Today was the first day of the Board Candidate chats. I had to watch from transcript instead of attending because my university wireless despises Campfire, but it was still very interesting. I encourage everyone to read it. Personal statements are out as well (they comprise the beginning of the chat) and those are what I want to focus on, because those do a great job of summing up the candidates I'm supporting. All the personal statements can be found on the OTW Elections website.

( A tl;dr affair! )

There is one last Board Candidate chat on 26 October 2011 from 8pm to 9pm UTC (click for time in your area). If you have specific questions for the candidates and can't attend, you can send them in and they'll be passed along.

It's probably obvious, since I've emerged from my midterm-induced stupor to write this post, that I care about the issue of Board representation a lot. If you're an OTW member, this election is important to the future direction of the organization. I encourage everyone to attend the chats/read the transcripts, visit the candidates and learn about them, and to make an informed decision about your leaders; they'll be shaping the organization for the next three years. So, on election day, come armed with knowledge and vote!

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:(

2011-09-27T09:09:34Z

So....who else is totally bummed at the fact the new owners of delicious said this: "We didn’t buy it so we can kill it,” Mr. Hurley said. “Hopefully people will understand that."

And then went and did exactly that?

No forward slashes in tags. No tag bundles. Limited to 10 tags per page. No subscriptions. No network. Tags no longer autocomplete when bookmarking. You can't see all your tags in the sidebar — I guess they think it doesn't matter because bundles are dead. My bookmarks are all out of order. There's no more bulk editing of tags.

Bookmarking is a disaster. It saves the bookmark immediately, which I find really annoying because I have the delicious tag button on my browser and sometimes accidentally hit it. I thought the update made before Yahoo! dumped delicious was ham-handed and awful, but this is outright cruel and really shows the men who purchased it really didn't try to understand the multiple types of culture on the service. The accessibility issues alone made me boggle. With the old way when I typed a tag and then spaced out it created the tag, but now I have to use my trackpad to click out and get the tag to create. I hope it's just me or a bug, because that's terrible! Because tag bundles are gone, there's nothing in the bookmark window to select from. Apparently you're not supposed to have over ten tags you can remember offhand.

It does seem to remember when you've saved a bookmark.

A fact: I would have paid for delicious as run by our Yahoo! Overloads. I would never pay for what exists now.

And lo, my fears about the newsletter came true. ff_press is basically on indefinite hiatus because our compile script is completely broken. Even if we figure out how to fix it, the fact tag bundles are dead and you can't show them in the bookmark window any longer is a huge roadblock as long as there's also no autocomplete.

I feel like the universe made this happen in the middle of my midterms on purpose. :|

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some arthur/eames fic, writing woes, I'm alive I swear

2011-09-02T08:01:16Z

I am dumping this here because I was suddenly reblogged like crazy (HOW DID THEY FIND ME??) and it reminded me that I had written this directly into my iPhone on tumblr and nowhere else (are there other writing apps for iPhones? I should look!)!

TUMBLR IS NOT FOR FIC unless it's at 4PM in the checkout line at Kroger, apparently. Whee! :D

( I can only write short things that are incomplete. This is not a surprise! )

Now the age old question remains, do I sign up for the Inception Big Bang and attempt to rewrite this unicorn fic from scratch? Or do I do the responsible thing and actually keep up with all my coursework and finish this FFX-2 fic I have started for MegaFlare and not over-extend myself? Choices.

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Adventures in Abusing Your Body

2011-08-21T03:23:46Z

HELLO, INTERNET!

Wow, I have had an eventful week, which includes the following highlights: leave of absence from work, JUST GIVE ME MY DEGREE ASU, a sprained ankle, meeting fellow fans for the first time, MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE A;SDAK;SD.

I am done with work until January, or possibly May if my fears come true and I don't have enough junior/senior level hours to graduate. I was printing all the checklists and forms off for intent to graduate because that is done ridiculously early in the term, and started reading the fine print and was horrified to see "45 jr/sr level hours must be acquired after 30 degree hours" but could find no definition of what the university considers a degree hour. Hours for degree including general education: fine, I am golden. Hours for degree including only English courses: AHHHHH. I am assuming the former until I speak with my advisor and then I can start assuming the worst, like: I will never graduate and be forever a food service worker whose main goal in life is making sure the condiment packets are stacked in the tins all facing one direction and making sure the one annoying lady gets her triple tall sugar free vanilla-caramel latte with foam and a caramel cap made just right so she doesn't yell at me for the eighth time since I started counting last year.

But bottom line: break from work! There's no downside to this! \o/

The story of my weekend going to meet general_jinjur and see MCR starts on Thursday, where I go to do my HIIT, which, for those that don't wish and hope and strain for self-injury, is High Intensity Interval Training. I've been doing this for about three and a half weeks, slowly adding exercises to my routine. It's been working great. I have evened out at 260, although I have actually been gaining weight as I add muscle, which, heck yeah! On Thursday, I was like, easy, slow, high knees, that will work and be great.

THEY WERE NOT GREAT. BODY, I WANTED THE OPPOSITE OF THIS.

I came down wrong on my left ankle and regardless of how slow you're doing this exercise, it doesn't matter when you're 266 pounds of teetering uncertainty. I tried to re-balance and not go splat and managed to trip over a free weight with the ankle I just injured. Let me say that I was pretty terrified! It wasn't fun and I couldn't walk! A couple of anxiety attacks and X-rays later, I was cleared with just a sprain, which I and zachariah then spent the night icing and wrapping because I couldn't fail to go to St. Louis. I HAD TO GO, NO, ZACH, I AM GOING, WE'RE GOING. And we did!

I got to meet general_jinjur and juniperphoenix and bluemeridian and they were lovely and I probably should have apologized before they left for being loud. I'm shy and overcompensate with noise. :| Facts about Renay! We discussed OTW and podfic and it was amazing because I never ever get to do that because everyone here just stares at me blankly and nods and hopes their affirmation will cause me to spontaneously silence myself. Ugh, meeting fans is awesome. YOU ARE LIKE ME. :D :D Although I am really sorry about the overcompensation thing. I was also at about a pain-level-eight most of the time, err, and I bet that didn't help.

And then I hauled myself, on crutches, across a huge parking lot with about 703873 guard rails, into the venue, up a flight of stairs (OH MY GOD, THE STAIRS) and onto the grass. And I stood for a long time to see Gerard be awesome with his robot dancing! And Frank with his layers: Dear Frank, you are in the south, honey, I hope you replaced your water later. AND RAY, who started out with HAIR and then as the set went on he grew more and more damp. It was like watching a flower wilt, except more awesome and with way less sadness. And even when I had to sit there were still screens so I saw Frank's awesome stage shenanigans. :D

;alsdka;ksdkads I saw them. It was fantastic! I wanted to bounce around, but there was going to be no bouncing for Renay, curse you, HIIT. :( Maybe next time, because next time I promised general_jinjur that I would travel closer to the stage with her for maximum bouncing chances. This is the concert post she linked me to. There is video, but it was just way awesome to be there.

Afterward, I hobbled and limped out of the venue, because my ankle was numb and my arms and shoulders were not and they hurt worse than they ever have in my life, even that one time when I did too many pull-ups and couldn't raise my arms for four days. That was not advisable. I have used my crutches almost all day today. Come on, body, bounce back. :(

And then I came home and spent $300 on tires and took lots of hardcore drugs and ate catfish at Cracker Barrel. Terrible segue into end of entry here.

It was a good weekend. :D

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and delicious cotton candy was consumed by all

2011-07-06T20:09:36Z

Still not dead! Still working at $dayjob. Just a little over a month left and I will be free and back in school for my last semester.

There was an interview meme going around that I played in when I thought I would have time to write entries and stories. That'll teach me to be an optimist about my time.

( Questions! Answers! This got long and full of navel, this is why I never post, because I go on and on and on and no one cares! )

New in my world!

1. I purchased a Nook color and am now saving for the SD cards I am going to buy and theme with different fandoms. All Final Fantasy fic on this one, all Inception fic on that one, and on and on. This is a great use of the summer funds I've been earning. ♥ to authors who archive on AO3, you make my breaks and lunches at work much more entertaining!

2. I also changed my email address after years and years. heyheyrenay@gmail.com is me now, although I will still use my old address for OTW work. I won't ignore anyone still emailing me about non-OTW stuff at my bottle.of.shine address, I am just more likely to email you from the new one. :) I will also not be around on chat as much on the old address, except for my chair office hours that will start "officially" soon. In about a month I am going to have more free time so feel free to add and poke me if you're inclined to that sort of thing. ♥

3. In August I get to go meet general_jinjur (and maybe some others, as well!) I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS, even if I have had about six anxiety attacks concerning driving there. There are these routes but none provide information about scary drivers, horrible detours, or Chance of Wildlife. I am unsure about how I am going to manage it, but have been told by several people that I will be fine. Let's hope I don't have to say I told you so. >.>

4. Chris visited and it was awesome and I saw him every day he was here! That is some kind of record. :D I promise we will come to New Orleans soon, bb (you mentioned Halloween, maybe the offer will still be open?). ♥

I am sorry I have been so terrible about comments and reading and commenting on reading! I hope to be better this month. I hope everyone is having a great July, and for those who have winter right now, um, please send some of that my way, it is hot like the dickens here. ♥

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signal boost!

2011-06-28T00:45:09Z

I am still mostly away dealing with work and life /o\ and trying to write something to contribute to a certain challenge so I don't look like a loser /o\ but I wanted to signal boost this!

Fanfiction Writers! Want To Be Interviewed for Time?

Lev Grossman of Time Magazine has been working on a feature story for Time about the cultural and legal issues surrounding fanfiction. Members of the OTW's Communications and Legal staff have already talked with him, but now he'd like to talk to some fanfiction writers directly.

Now I go to suffer through my elliptical training for #fakerun2011. Onward!

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HELLO FROM SUMMER

2011-06-15T00:48:16Z

HELLO, WORLD, I promise I have not been murdered, nor is my body being consumed by goats or feral cats. Here is what I have been doing:

1. $dayjob - This deserves nothing but a steady and constant stream of "FFFFFFFUUUU". Although, it's a huge surprise what having a kind manager will do for your overall feeling of "if I have to tell those kids to get their mouths off the ICEE nozzles one more time I am going to commit homicide".

2. OTW work - this include lots of meetings and me getting physical with the AD&T induction process, seriously, I think I sprained something I got so excited. DOCUMENTATION. TL;DR. TEMPLATES. These things are not...really this exciting...except to me. VolComrades! \o/ PS feel free to come volunteer for coding/testing/wrangling (especially wrangling we are super fun)/support. *sparkles* AD&T made a neat tool for unassigned fandoms which we can make public now because of the OTW's awesome new servers. So...thanks again to everyone who donated during the last few drives. You made the Tag Wrangling Committee and its volunteers very happy. ♥

3. ADVENTURES - planning with general_jinjur to see What Has Basically Become My Favorite Musical Group? Strong, awesome possibilities of fun? :D :D /jinxing everything

4. Writing - I am still fighting with a WIP I am working on, but I joined ae_match and TEAM ROMANCE, anyway. That should be fun. :) Also, KJ and I (mostly KJ) opened megaflare_ff last week for signups, with a new tiered word count feature that I will be taking advantage of, ho ho. I am also writing Jodie a custom bookshop AU because she is wonderful and deserves all the Arthur/Eames AU fic her heart desires. ♥

5. $stuff - I am one week closer to owning a Nook Color. I also bought two new pairs of shoes, one for $dayjob. They were not, unfortunately, these (which I totally would have purchased if the store had possessed them). I've been having tons of pain since going back to work because I've been trying to wear a regular shoe when I need a wide shoe. 11 Wide for ladies (and I really need an 11.5)? ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND. Thanks a lot, giant feet. WHY IS EVERYTHING ABOUT ME SO HUGE EXCEPT MY SENSE OF SELF-IMPORTANCE? :|

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THREE SEMESTERS DOWN, ONE TO GO

2011-05-07T04:59:06Z

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SUMMER LOVING

2011-05-06T03:30:50Z

✦ I have been super swamped with the end of my semester and trying not to panic over what I might have made in the class I was having so much trouble with (JUST GIVE ME A C, PLEASE WITH CHERRIES), with the final days of ff_exchange and also with OTW work, uh, which doesn't seem like it's going to break any time soon and in fact may be picking up a bit, in fact. So I have been absent and missing things! I am so sorry if I have missed something important!

✦ The love meme, which started while I was in the middle of finals hell! Thanks to all the people who have said such nice and kind things about me there. Now that life is chilling out a little I am soon going to gird my loins, ignore my fear of comments as long as I can (SHUT UP IT IS A VALID FEAR) and shower people with love. GOAL FOR NEXT WEEK. Ugh, but I am sorry if I am embarrassing about it, I am so socially awkward at these things, like that weirdo at the party that bumbles into things and makes everyone uncomfortable. Most of the time I just want to write "I LIKE YOU AND YOUR BRAIN" and that....is probably not the point....

✦ I want to give a shout out to the now completed April Showers Challenge run by AD&T. It was super fun to watch. I campaigned hard for Final Fantasy and Inception which had 130 and 225 new works posted respectively, so yay! \o/ Thanks for a great project and all your hard work making it successful, AD&T. ♥

✦ I go back to work May 15th. :( I am trying to be Zen about it! It's only four days a week. But I am hearing horror stories from friends and I am not excited.

✦ I am also making plans for projects I am going to finish this summer! This includes helping owlmoose publish the last bits of Aftermath, finished the story I failed at last year for megaflare_ff, and choosing what Inception project I want to dedicate my time to now that I have some. ( So I have been collecting prompts... )

✦ I have decided that I am buying a Nook Color. I know that the regular Nook has e-ink, but I have come to the conclusion I actually read faster and comprehend more when writing is back-lit — otherwise I struggle a lot. Also, the screen on the Nook is so small that it would drive me crazy. So my big summer purchase will be a Nook Color. \o/ (Maybe in July?) Everyone upload your fic to AO3 so I can download it for reading at work! :D

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renay @ 2011-04-24T15:07:00

2011-04-24T20:42:34Z

✦ I AM DONE WITH SCHOOL UNTIL NEXT FALL. \o/ Well, I have two more finals, but after that, I will be done. At that point I will have three more classes and in December I will hold my worthless B.A. in English in my hand.

✦ To entertain myself I have been writing snippets of a silly thing that started out as a bakery AU where Arthur has, as the_ragnorak put it, a MYSTERIOUS SECRET CAKEY PAST and Eames has a spatula and knows how to use it a;lkd;alksd it is so goofy, but has cheered me up. I have been writing all the fun parts (read: the sexy bits with kissing). I have also been on tumblr a lot, browsing the "cute" tag for images of adorable kittens and reblogging dorky posts like this or this.

✦ This means I've spent the last few days going a little crazy catching up on everything I've bookmarked in the last few months, ugh, I apologize for any spam filled with my capslock and squee and joy and/or an overload of kudos. Please wear shades, I am just a little excited at being able to do this thing without feeling miserable and guilty. I am even considering writing rec posts again, remember how I did that twice and it was fun and then school ate me? So glad that's over.

✦ There is a meme going around where you post your top ten AO3 works by hit count. I did this and added commentary that is not interesting to anyone but me. :D ( Read more... )

✦ There was a suggestion opened on dw_suggestions about a "like" feature. ( silly flailing like a social network nerd and neurotic mess )

✦ zachariah made cake pops last week and they were really good, although there were...a lot of them. I was, unfortunately, passed out from two all-nighters in three days, but next time I am going to be involved and we're going to refine our process. The balls were too big and chocolate too thick this time. NEXT TIME ON RENAY HAS COOKING WHIMS: Funfetti cake mix!

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It rains in April, but my tears in May when I get my final grades will be worse.

2011-04-13T04:30:07Z

✦ AO3 is running the April Showers Challenge where every day they focus on a different fandom and invite people to come upload their work. :) Any fandom is welcome, definitely, not just the ones being highlighted. Come preserve your fanworks with us! Now is a great time, since AO3 user subscriptions have arrived! ♥

April 12th is Final Fantasy day! I found three things I wasn't embarrassed by to upload (score!). I have a few invites if anyone needs them, just let me know. <3 There is another fandom close to my heart coming up soon and I am ridiculously excited. :D

✦ Inception Kink Fest happened and I basically missed it! THAT'S OKAY, I GUESS, THANKS FOR NOTHING UNIVERSITY. I have learned a lot about kink...just reading the master list. :D Inception fandom has single-handedly doubled the kinks I apparently enjoy? Self-knowledge is awesome. There's SO MUCH...and my to-read tag is insane (I really hope I am not the only person who has one of these that's over 500). I'll catch up...in June? At which point there will still be two months unaccounted for. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH A FANDOM THIS LARGE/ACTIVE. /o\

✦ I am considering an ereader for fic purposes (and possibly school book purposes for next semester, ugh I hate reading hard copy with a passion which is going to make my American Indian class super interesting). This is possibly the most self-indulgent purchase I've considered for myself in years, but I am going back to work soon and would really like to just have a bunch of reading material available on a device bigger than my iPhone screen. I don't want a Kindle, and I need something that can read .html and .pdf files and one that could do the files that AO3 exports works in would be great, too. Does anyone have any suggestions?

✦ ( blah blah school paper topic, tears, etc. ) So I am sorry if I am not around very much or suddenly vanish when I am. :( I am best catchable on bottle.of.shine@gmail.com on Gtalk, though, if you need me for something (I HAVE SO MANY PROJECTS) or Tom Hardy suddenly acquires a Twitter account and you need me for EMERGENCY FLAILING. SOMEONE BETTER ALERT ME IF THAT HAPPENS, I AM NOT KIDDING.

✦ Spanish exam today where the professor seriously put questions on the test from a story he didn't even give us. :| My blood pressure!

✦ I AM BORING, SORRY. I want to be writing, not studying, but there's only three more weeks. Then: no much writing! SO MUCH.

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;asd;aklsd;kl WHAT

2011-04-02T02:44:31Z

So we take an innocent trip to Target! We park besides a truck with a woman who is napping and a toddler in the back cab. The truck is on, and that's pretty normal, people run in for stuff all the time.

Okay, so when I go to Target I am there for at least twenty minutes each time because I stop and talk to my friends who are working, it is a time sink. But i know we were inside for at least twenty minutes. Anyway, so when Zach and I get back out to our car, I notice that the truck's turn signal is on. I am: oops, that's not good. We're packing up and I look over to see this toddler who had before been in the back cab climbing back into the car from the parking lot, the driver side door open. Well, I remember the lady in the cab, but she is...clearly asleep...and my brain goes into slow-motion, as it always does when I enter into a scenario in which there is Horrible Shit occurring.

So I put the kid back in the truck, engage the lock and shut the door without scaring the woman who I assume is sleeping pretty lightly, I don't know why I assumed that. It made no sense because the radio was blaring and the kid had clearly engaged the turn signal and had been wandering for awhile. Mostly I didn't want to wake her up and terrify her even though the kid is CLEARLY NEEDING SOME SUPERVISION ASD;LKA;SDKLASD. Right, no good, he knows how to work the locks, great. So I knock on the window and call out to her and get nothing, I make Zach shake her because at THAT POINT I am going HOLY SHIT SHE IS DEAD and am entering into a place where the panic is starting to set in. But she's not; she's warm and breathing but not responding.

So of course all I can think of is the code for team members falling down or missing child. Total blank. When I am at Target I never go "oh I should call 911" because I go into work-mode and think FUCK WHERE IS THE LOD THEY GET PAID FOR THIS CRAP. That would have been logical. So I call the the GSTL from my phone (thank the stars it was a competent one) and get Target security to come out, and he's ;ASD;LAKSD (fff I love the guy but why was I calmer than he was, this is wrong) and calls mall security, and before we know it there is mall security, a cop, an emergency vehicle and an ambulance because this lady wouldn't wake up. THEY HAD TO STUN HER TO GET HER TO WAKE UP, and when we left she still looked completely out of it and I hope she is okay. I am suspecting (and the cops said it, too) some prescription drugs. Her sister (I guess) showed up eventually and we kind of stood around awkwardly holding the kid until we had to legit offer it back to the maybe-sister and give the cops our information so we weren't just gawking.

Ugh, I sincerely thought she was dead and it was the most horrible feeling because the kid! And whoever was with her! :( I am really glad they woke her up and hope she'll be okay, but WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Mostly I am all HOW LONG WAS THAT BABY GETTING IN AND OUT OF THE CAR BEFORE WE GOT THERE? D: Ugh, nightmares.

True to form I have now begun to shake and will be a nervous wreck for an entire day. :|

The kid was so cute and sweet and talkative. :( I think he was just bored. I am trying not to picture all the awful things that could have happened, but it's pretty hard. STRIKE #8946297 of having my own kids, if I am having fits over a kid that does not even belong to me. >.> I would die of stress the first time they left my sight.

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I'm not going that way. No.

2011-03-30T05:47:25Z

Stories I am not writing because I am definitely doing Spanish and working on the surprise paper that was assigned over Spring Break. :| Shameless fluffballs based on this photo. ( So this happened. )

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dream unicorn attack!

2011-03-24T20:15:22Z

✦ I am writing a story where Eames has a unicorn in his subconscious and Arthur's still clinging to a particular virginity and also, killer blankets? I can't say it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever written, because I did write the Kimahri/Rikku story back in the day (oh god) but it's up there.

I don't know where this idea came from, but I am now fascinated with unicorn myths and representations and what they symbolize for different people and have spent a unmentionable amount of time digging around via Interlibrary loan to look at unicorn resources to see what I can have sent to me...instead of looking for sources for my final paper. :|

I am also super curious about how setting up subconscious security works! I cannot decide and I am sure whatever route I go will be the total opposite of whatever accepted fanon is and therefore a disaster. I played a word association game with owlmoose by accident and she gave me ideas when she free associated from the word "security" and now I feel like I should do a poll to see what people think of when they see that word. Why not warp some childhood imagery?

Meanwhile, 40k on fake marriage fic, no end in sight, and I may need to go read some romance novels about getting married (recs?), also some books about knives and also remember how to ground roast a hog, because it's been ten years since I did it last. FML

✦ EX MODE collection has been revealed! I hope they do another remix, I really want to take part next time, and hopefully I will be done with school by then (she says, fatalistically).

✦ Speaking of awesome transformative work, it's time for The Organization of Transformative Works to have their 2011 Fund Drive. I have been working for the OTW since 2009, when I was a young, clueless newbie who thought it would be fun to ask about the state of Final Fantasy tags, volunteered, was a volunteer, for oh, a month or two and then became a committee chair! HOW EXCITING, RIGHT, it wasn't at all comparable to being thrown in a shark tank, no, more like a dolphin tank. Definitely dolphins. They taught me lots of new skills (I can use a wiki—sort of! and Campfire and Basecamp!) and have watched lots of changes and awesome features be created and built and new ideas are proposed all the time. For instance, we're soliciting ideas for hosting fanart, which has been my fondest wish for years and now it's finally getting juice.

I have resume skills! No longer do I only have to list "can fix leaking ICEE machine with scotch tape and chewed gum" and "can oil and pan 120 personal pan pizzas in 16 minutes and 25 seconds" and unlike work where I once almost got into a fistfight with a vendor over his crap blocking my Pizza Hut order in the freezer because he wouldn't move, everyone loves compromise and helping out. I have marketable skills! I can use spreadsheets and manage teams and problem solve sensitive issues and write copy for things.

If I had to choose my favorite thing from the last year, it would be this: renay. These icons were created by justira using Bing's graphic for ff_press (we use instead) and then were adopted as the new favicon for the AO3. Our favicon is transformative! They are so awesome and it is rad to see them everywhere. I feel a little like a traitor because the Kudos feature is awesome.... But the icons. ;__; They are adorable.

Which is really to say, hey, if you can, come give us money and become a member so we can continue to have this cute icon. IT IS SO CUTE. And all the other things, too: our slick new servers, our awesome future in fanart and other non-fic mediums, membership development, and giving fans like me the chance to develop real-world applicable skills! :D Also, the dolphins are nice, too. You could come over. I'll introduce you.

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(inception) can't get enough of you (baby)

2011-03-22T01:52:46Z

Can't Get Enough of You (Baby) (22,000 words)
Arthur/Eames, NC-17, mentions of character death, angst, FLUFFBALLS
Also on AO3

This started here. (I'm easy. This is completely shameless.)

Thanks to Rose (for carrying this around for what probably felt like nine months), Susan and Sev for beta/support. All other mistakes belong to me.

( Read more... )

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clever words here

2011-03-18T20:47:44Z

✦ Midterms are over! Take that Spanish exam, I (probably) passed you. This semester is walloping me with its fists.

✦ Toddler!fic is finished. Uggggh my heart hurts because I have not plotted/written a story with so many complicated emotions/undertones/issues that fast in like, more than a year and I am sure it's full of plot holes and also abuse of commas. After I come down off my DONE DONE DONE high I will finish cleaning it up (thanks Sev! ♥) and post it here and on AO3. I also worked on the other story I am writing a bit. Things not to do: write an entire story longhand in your notebook.

✦ So basically this means I can start reading things again and I have no clue where to start oh my gosh, for the first time I even feel behind on Final Fantasy fanwork and that hasn't happened in um, a really long time. Thank you for being tiny, gaming fandom! If I think about Inception I kind of tilt to the side. I don't even — there is so much stuff, I feel like I need to apologize for the amount of abuse I am going to be giving to the Kudos button and comment boxes, please forgive me when I start commenting on things you wrote in August 2010. ;___;

✦ ff_exchange signups are open! I am really happy to see new folks this round. If you have time, feel free to take part. Based on the view from my moderator stadium seating this round is going to be awesome. I already want to assign myself to five different people :| #terriblelifedecisions

✦ I changed my username on Livejournal from bottle_of_shine to heyheyrenay (in case you wonder who that stranger commenting on your locked entries is) and received the best comment of my entire month:

a;fj;adjs;lasjd;lads who is this, I used to know! Time, why do you erase everything? Whoever it was, thank you! I laughed so hard and it really cheered me up that day. I keep going back to grin at it. Part #8659272 in things that are only funny to me and three other people.

✦ I am addicted to tumblr. :(

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