renay | Entries tagged with otw

*puts on VolCom cape*

It's that time of year again where I lay down in front of everyone I know and go, "Hey, want to come volunteer for the OTW?"

It's been an interesting year. I have Big Plans for next year (relaxation, making

alasen bring me fruity drinks as I lounge idly on the sidelines, trolling

samjohnsson as much as possible). I feel like it's going to be a pretty good year and as a bonus I won't be in school? We hope. :|

There are updated Committee Descriptions outlining the different work our many committees do. We also have a much-improved volunteer interest form. Sending in a form (created with love by VolCom, Webs, and many other committees) registers you as interested in the 2012 term. You will receive a confirmation letter letting you know we've received your form and then we will contact you in January as committees begin to form. You can spend December imaging how awesome it's going to be and how much is going to get accomplished (lots).

For now, I have finals to defeat. Back to the abyss of lit theory! /o\

The truth is it's difficult to hear you've hurt people without meaning to do so. I know it because I've been there; I dislike doing hurting other people. I never stood up to say what I said in order to hurt people, but it's probably happened. I tried to be careful to keep it about actions: it's not who you are, it's what you did (or didn't do). What I didn't do: speak up when I should have, which would have possibly helped me avoid saying everything all at once during an already tough time.

Silence has been a criticism this election cycle, but I am just as guilty of it as any of the people also being accused of it deliberately. I used silence as a shield so I wouldn't have to face trying to talk things out and having my fears validated. In the right situation silence is: a tactic, a weapon, a judgment call, an insult, an excuse. Silence is the monster under the bed, a crushing sense of disappointment, the thing we fear most when we send our contributions, whatever they may be, out into the world. Silence is the email not answered (they're ignoring me) the volunteer form not replied to (I guess they don't need my help), the draft not edited (...do they think it sucks?), the conversation not held (they'll only tell me how much I screwed up again), the comment left hanging (they said they would reply...). Silence eradicates good faith. Silence makes a person feel at once, safe, but alone. Silence grows. Silence can be destructive. Silence feels secure, but it's an illusion built out of the reality of our own doubts. Silence is what I embraced. In a culture of silence there can be no understanding. A culture of silence and a culture of fear aren't so different, after all.

Looking back over a year and a half of silence, I don't think it earned me much. Oh well. Live and learn (and then get louder). That's my plan and I think it's a keeper.

One final link, and if you read any link for the election please make it this one. It's not stressful, unless you get upset about the Ultimate Cliffhanger of never knowing if Candidate Pizza won a Seat (I feel like Candidate Pizza probably did, after all, it's pizza).

I worked on the explanation for 2011 OTW Elections Voting - The Process!. There are multiple types of examples there; I have a much better grasp of the process and how it works than I did last year. Please check this out and pass it on. :)

With that, I am off to stumble into finals, hoping I don't flunk Algebra so I can get my degree (please degree fairies, oh please).

Disclaimer: my views do not reflect the opinions of the Tag Wrangling Committee nor Volunteers & Recruiting.

Since my post last week I have been overwhelmed with the really thoughtful commentary and discussion on my previous entry. Particularly with fellow volunteers who really helped me feel less isolated who have worked in other parts of the organization:

copracat,

sanders, all the folks who have emailed me and reached out privately...thank you. The wranglers that have stopped by: thank you, as well, because your support means so much. Plus, my staff, who assured me, hey, Renay, you haven't failed, except for your habit of being late to meetings because of farm equipment (okay, they didn't say that, they said other more thoughtful, awesome thing, but...I do seem to have bad luck with farm equipment and Tag Wrangling meetings). It's all been very energizing and uplifting and hopeful, while at the same time, getting harder and harder as I approach the end of the term.

More personally and closely, as I have been reading more and more about wrangling and the discontent involved: if you are a wrangler and have been unhappy and discouraged, I am sorry. If you have questions you want answers to and feel safe enough to ask them, you can always, at any time, email me at bottle.of.shine@gmail.com and I will try to answer them. I cannot promise resolution to issues, I cannot promise neat answers, but I can offer you what I know if it is in my ability to do so. You worked on the archive; you deserve a safe space to ask.

Meanwhile, there's been a lot of changes since my post. One of the candidates I am supporting, Lucy Pearson, has withdrawn from the field of candidates. This is very disappointing on a personal level because I know Lucy to be excellent at dealing with people. I had high hopes that she would help the Board treat volunteers and their ideas fairly. She would have been an asset. However, in light of my own struggles, I am pleased she chose self-care over the OTW so she can still volunteer in the future. I feel lucky to have worked with her closely when I had the chance and hope to again once day. Lucy, you are awesome. ♥

There have been other posts and other commentary that spans a wide array of topics. I've been reading everything; it's a marvel to think you're mostly alone and then to realize you're not, either in experience or opinion. However, even with Lucy's departure, my ticket has only lost one person and I am not sure I will be replacing the space Lucy occupied. Which means my ticket becomes: Julia Beck, Jenny Scott-Thompson, Nikisha Sanders. There are now 2011 OTW Candidate Profiles that I have to read more closely before I decide whether or not I can vote for Betsy Ronsenblatt after what I felt was not a great answer to the server name question (a situation that really upset me as a fan from non-Western fandoms). We'll see.

( a collection of quotes )

I defended this organization before I was even a member or a volunteer, when others called it a vanity project, a BNF circle jerk with no future. I don't regret that decision and think that myself and others like me who have finally had enough and spoken up prove that it was starting to become something bigger, brighter, and more promising than even the founders could have imagined. But you can't build something up if you don't have the people to do it or the people that are doing it resent the hell out of you or you constantly undermine and roadblock their efforts to grow. It doesn't work. People will sit down and shut up plenty, but eventually they will hit the breaking point where they will not only stand up, but they'll launch out of their chair, heave it over their heads and chunk it through the window and they won't even think about apologizing for spraying you with the glass. I reached that point when I lost my mentor. I don't even know how to explain how angry I was, still am, will always be that this was allowed to happen. I have no words for the fury, the loss, the unimaginable waste of driving away such a valuable team member. It's pathetic that the organization has done this, has let this happen. It's shameful.

There were people who started this organization. They're important. They have skills and talent that are valuable. I was always interested in the concept and they got me interested by nature of their influence. But those founders? They did not make me believe in this organization. I believed in The Organization for Transformative Works because Allison Morris was my mentor and she loved the fuck out of it and she shared that love with me. She shared a lot with me, actually: her knowledge of how the organization works, her knowledge of how to get things accomplished. I am on Volunteers & Recruiting because of her, and I didn't even know I would love it as much as I do. She gave me skills for a lifetime and a committee I could serve proudly for years and years. She is an excellent mentor. She was an excellent lead when I was a wrangler, an excellent chair on VolCom, and excellent Board member. I treasured her feedback, I went to her when I was stuck or scared or confused, she helped me through organization problems, she helped me not lose my mind during Yuletide 2010, she taught me to listen better and communicate more effectively. She was my rock.

And she's leaving. She's leaving because she has reached the point of "can't". Her, countless others. "Can't."

I have more support, true. But for me, I only had one organization mentor, and she was it. For the last two years she's been there every step of my journey. I can't imagine what not having her in the org with me, working side by side will be like. And I am infuriated that it has to be this way, but not at her. She deserves this; she deserves to leave and do things in places that will value her. She wrote a post, look it's not a gchat transcript, in which she said:

You need the little voices, too. We need to show that it isn't one woman or five friends, but thousands worldwide, maybe more, and we engage, we think, we create. That's the insides of our brains. That's what we do while working third shift or doing data entry or driving our commutes or talking with friends or reading a magazine. We are in conversation with the world. We are NOT passive in that: CONversation, WITH -- and advertising, arts, events, books, movies, TV, comics, all of it, we interact with it. We aren't just consuming. We are never passive. We're thinking, musing, exploring, joking, discussing, wanting, mocking, hating, and loving.

I volunteered for this organization because I wanted to carve a space for my fandom. I stayed because Allison convinced me it would be beautiful over here. It still could be. I want to stay and make it beautiful, for her to one day feel comfortable coming back to. This is why I am sticking: because she gave me a voice, because she gave me confidence, because she believed in me when I didn't believe in myself, because she stuck by me through every mistake and taught me how to be better, because she admitted her own and moved forward and set an example I want to follow. I care so deeply and personally about the volunteer experience in this organization because she cared personally about this experience of this volunteer, this no-name fan who showed 1% initiative, ended up with all the things, and also a chair.

The organization is richer and more loving because of her effort and it poorer for the lack of her. She's my mentor and my friend and I will miss building this org with her but look forward to seeing her happier, more whole, at peace. Thank you, Allison, for everything. ♥

I am meant to be on vacation, relaxing, but I'm not. I'm reading post after post going "the OTW sucks at recruitment!" (as a Volunteers & Recruiting staffer this is awful to read) or "boo, wrangling!" and it's really starting to wear on me. I've been down for awhile, but in truth I have a good support structure now: two great committees with awesome teams who are smart and kind and fair and love the org just like I do. But I am still tired, so tired. Two years as the head of one committee that's massive, both in informational scope and volunteer bodies changes you, especially when, as I did, you start as a regular volunteer on October 15th, 2009 and by January 2010 you're a lead (effectively a chair in the amount of sheer work I was doing) and then in July you're a full chair with no staff-only service in-between. I was technically an AD&T staffer, but I did not have time to deal with AD&T, I was too busy with my own tag wrangling business and projects. I understand why we have the term "lead" for subcommittees. It's useful, to denote which staffer has the knowledge of a project, but it's terribly misleading in some ways. I don't feel I ever did staff-level work.

I had good mentors, and a supportive team and still I struggled. In 2010 I collapsed at work, suffering from bronchitis and outright exhaustion from stress (and was told the bronchitis was likely a result from the underlying exhaustion). This year I backed off a lot in order not to do that again because I knew I couldn't sustain the same workload; I relied on my staff a lot. The reality of the OTW is that the more you care, the more tired you can get when you're constantly running into glass ceilings. I have felt ignored and oppressed for a large part of my tenure in all my positions. I have watched my work and contributions blocked for no good reason beyond "I don't like that". I have felt pressured and marginalized as a gaming fan. I have been asked to do work I thought was immensely unfair for both my staff and volunteers. I have watched miscommunication confuse and frustrate and harm my wrangling volunteers and staff. I have had my committee dismissed as unimportant. I don't believe any of this is malice or intentional. It just happened, because we were new and people can be thoughtless and all the running to Volunteers & Recruiting to talk it out in the world can't help when you're too afraid to say anything because you're afraid to run into the same dismissals you got before.

The overall tone that I get from the organization as a whole — in feeling if not in statement — as I have continued as chair was that mistakes could ruin you. Make a mistake or offend the wrong person: no one wants to work with you anymore. If you're a committee chair, that means your entire committee will be suspect. I don't know if this feeling is correct, but it felt correct and it defined a good portion of 2010 and the beginning of 2011 for me. I tried very hard not to make mistakes after that. I erred, and in erring I feel like I let my staff down, like I let the entire wrangling team down. There were so many things I wanted to get done that didn't happen. I didn't advocate hard enough. I didn't ask with enough confidence. I was too scared; of being a bother, of being too demanding, of facing the potential situation where I might be told Tag Wrangling wasn't important and my opinion — our opinions, because we're 100+ strong and we disagree and I try to respect that — were neither necessary or desired. I don't know how to communicate how terrified I am to hit "post" on this. I fear for the committees I'm a part of, even though I'm only speaking for myself. I'm at times terrified of people in key positions in this organization; am scared to speak with them or interact with them in any way. But most of the time I am just tired because I don't have the energy to be terrified. Like right now. I have pushed through the other side of terror into outright apathy. What's going to happen if I'm finally honest? Is Board going to fire me?

If the people looking at the OTW want to know what burnout looks like: I've lived it. I am it. I am a no-name fan that walked into the OTW who cared about Final Fantasy tagging (and the structure of meta-tags) and later volunteer retention and I ended up here and I am weary. I don't know how to put a finer point on it: the more you care the harder it gets when you feel like you're making very little headway, when people are telling you your anger is unwelcome and how dare you have feelings about providing your time and sometimes getting screwed over in really offensive ways. I am exhausted. I have soldiered on, but watched my mentors, my friends I've made, drift off, leave outright, rage-quit in protest. I've watched volunteers give up and say it was too much to handle or stand for and why bother? Then I read a statement from one of the founders of the organization that say "I don't actually agree that we are suffering an unusual wave of burnout beyond the endemic".

This statement makes me want to quit. Considering the work Volunteers & Recruiting does: this statement makes me want to say "fuck this" and peace out. I don't know what is meant to count as "unusual"? Do I count because I have said I can't chair anymore right now, for any reason? Or do I not get to because I keep throwing myself at the problems and refuse to back down even when I want to give up and don't? Do I get to count when I quit? How many people like me do we need to get to count the burnout levels we're experiencing as unusual? Who gets to define unusual? I'm on Volunteers & Recruiting. I know something about intakes and removing departing staff and volunteers and I think the reasons if not the rate are pretty fucking unusual myself, so I want to know what counts as unusual? When we have more documented records of people leaving because they're heartsick and unappreciated and ignored and run down and bullied into silence? When we have people doubling up as chairs and liaisons because we don't have the bodies to fill those positions anymore because we've burned through people willing to do it? When we can't find volunteers for committees that need them anymore? When four of the six candidates for Board all come out on a similar platforms of "what about our volunteers? What about communication?" When does it go beyond the endemic?

In my opinion, when the majority of people departing feel not only negative about the organization, but hostile, hopeless, bullied, exhausted, afraid to speak for fear of reprisals or all of the above, there's something wrong. I am not leaving, but I'm out of energy for politics and cruising the political avenues of Not Pissing Off the Wrong People. I am used up and burnt out and I feel feeble.

But don't worry. I'm just some no-name gaming fan; what do I know? We're not suffering from an unusual wave of burnout beyond the endemic, or anything.

When in doubt, copy your chair! Via has been doing interesting posts about her Volunteers & Recruiting work. They can be found under her OTW tag. I had vague ideas about doing these myself this term, but ha ha, Renay, please, you don't get to do things like that! Don't you know you're going to be failing Spanish and then Algebra? Get a clue. This is a rough breakdown of what I did this month as Tag Wrangling Chair and Volunteers & Recruiting staff. But first, have your friendly neighborhood Tag Wrangling staff, discussing serious wrangling business and guidelines:

Renay: Plus, we have Xparrot the Ninja!
Alison: renaming of Xparrot to Xparrot the Ninja
Xparrot: especially if I can get some sais and a cool mask out of the deal - just call me Ninja X!
Claudia: Hee! But should that be a canonical or only synned?
Laylah: Well, we might want to wait and see how users are actually tagging with the new identity -- like, would it be helpful for the fandom to have Xparrot the Ninja be a subtag? People writing Xparrot pastfic probably don't want to have the ninja version attached to their works....
Franzi: Do you get the cheesy Racer X outfit from Speed Racer too? ;)

Tag Wrangling Committee: Full Of Lolz. Basically, I was the luckiest chair and I will never pay the world back for this amount of awesome that got placed in front of my eyeballs.

( a snapshot of my volunteer work for October )

I am leaving so many things off of this list, but I honestly the last two weeks have been packed full of org work. I can't remember exactly everything unless I write it down, and at some point it becomes so much that you're like "okay, no, if I add anything else to this list I'm going to start demanding minimum wage, stop!"

I also realized, while sending the final open house zip file off to Webs, that we meant to offer AO3 invites at the Open House but didn't! /o\ We were so surprised at the turnout that I think we just forgot, oops, and no one was like FALSE ADVERTISING and demanded them. I have a few to give away for the people reading this journal that....don't have accounts (um...). Feel free to email me at bottle.of.shine@gmail.com or PM me (DW: renay, LJ: heyheyrenay) with your email address and I will send one! :D

In November, The Organization of Transformative Works will have an election for four available seats. I have lots of ~feelings~ about the OTW that are wrapped up in my efforts in 2010 and half of 2011 before my final term of university took over my life.

( My background )

Today was the first day of the Board Candidate chats. I had to watch from transcript instead of attending because my university wireless despises Campfire, but it was still very interesting. I encourage everyone to read it. Personal statements are out as well (they comprise the beginning of the chat) and those are what I want to focus on, because those do a great job of summing up the candidates I'm supporting. All the personal statements can be found on the OTW Elections website.

( A tl;dr affair! )

There is one last Board Candidate chat on 26 October 2011 from 8pm to 9pm UTC (click for time in your area). If you have specific questions for the candidates and can't attend, you can send them in and they'll be passed along.

It's probably obvious, since I've emerged from my midterm-induced stupor to write this post, that I care about the issue of Board representation a lot. If you're an OTW member, this election is important to the future direction of the organization. I encourage everyone to attend the chats/read the transcripts, visit the candidates and learn about them, and to make an informed decision about your leaders; they'll be shaping the organization for the next three years. So, on election day, come armed with knowledge and vote!

Still not dead! Still working at $dayjob. Just a little over a month left and I will be free and back in school for my last semester.

There was an interview meme going around that I played in when I thought I would have time to write entries and stories. That'll teach me to be an optimist about my time.

( Questions! Answers! This got long and full of navel, this is why I never post, because I go on and on and on and no one cares! )

New in my world!

1. I purchased a Nook color and am now saving for the SD cards I am going to buy and theme with different fandoms. All Final Fantasy fic on this one, all Inception fic on that one, and on and on. This is a great use of the summer funds I've been earning. ♥ to authors who archive on AO3, you make my breaks and lunches at work much more entertaining!

2. I also changed my email address after years and years. heyheyrenay@gmail.com is me now, although I will still use my old address for OTW work. I won't ignore anyone still emailing me about non-OTW stuff at my bottle.of.shine address, I am just more likely to email you from the new one. :) I will also not be around on chat as much on the old address, except for my chair office hours that will start "officially" soon. In about a month I am going to have more free time so feel free to add and poke me if you're inclined to that sort of thing. ♥

3. In August I get to go meet

general_jinjur (and maybe some others, as well!) I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS, even if I have had about six anxiety attacks concerning driving there. There are these routes but none provide information about scary drivers, horrible detours, or Chance of Wildlife. I am unsure about how I am going to manage it, but have been told by several people that I will be fine. Let's hope I don't have to say I told you so. >.>

4. Chris visited and it was awesome and I saw him every day he was here! That is some kind of record. :D I promise we will come to New Orleans soon, bb (you mentioned Halloween, maybe the offer will still be open?). ♥

I am sorry I have been so terrible about comments and reading and commenting on reading! I hope to be better this month. I hope everyone is having a great July, and for those who have winter right now, um, please send some of that my way, it is hot like the dickens here. ♥

I am still mostly away dealing with work and life /o\ and trying to write something to contribute to a certain challenge so I don't look like a loser /o\ but I wanted to signal boost this!

Fanfiction Writers! Want To Be Interviewed for Time?

Lev Grossman of Time Magazine has been working on a feature story for Time about the cultural and legal issues surrounding fanfiction. Members of the OTW's Communications and Legal staff have already talked with him, but now he'd like to talk to some fanfiction writers directly.

Now I go to suffer through my elliptical training for #fakerun2011. Onward!

HELLO, WORLD, I promise I have not been murdered, nor is my body being consumed by goats or feral cats. Here is what I have been doing:

1. $dayjob - This deserves nothing but a steady and constant stream of "FFFFFFFUUUU". Although, it's a huge surprise what having a kind manager will do for your overall feeling of "if I have to tell those kids to get their mouths off the ICEE nozzles one more time I am going to commit homicide".

2. OTW work - this include lots of meetings and me getting physical with the AD&T induction process, seriously, I think I sprained something I got so excited. DOCUMENTATION. TL;DR. TEMPLATES. These things are not...really this exciting...except to me. VolComrades! \o/ PS feel free to come volunteer for coding/testing/wrangling (especially wrangling we are super fun)/support. *sparkles* AD&T made a neat tool for unassigned fandoms which we can make public now because of the OTW's awesome new servers. So...thanks again to everyone who donated during the last few drives. You made the Tag Wrangling Committee and its volunteers very happy. ♥

3. ADVENTURES - planning with

general_jinjur to see What Has Basically Become My Favorite Musical Group? Strong, awesome possibilities of fun? :D :D /jinxing everything

4. Writing - I am still fighting with a WIP I am working on, but I joined

ae_match and TEAM ROMANCE, anyway. That should be fun. :) Also, KJ and I (mostly KJ) opened

megaflare_ff last week for signups, with a new tiered word count feature that I will be taking advantage of, ho ho. I am also writing Jodie a custom bookshop AU because she is wonderful and deserves all the Arthur/Eames AU fic her heart desires. ♥

5. $stuff - I am one week closer to owning a Nook Color. I also bought two new pairs of shoes, one for $dayjob. They were not, unfortunately, these (which I totally would have purchased if the store had possessed them). I've been having tons of pain since going back to work because I've been trying to wear a regular shoe when I need a wide shoe. 11 Wide for ladies (and I really need an 11.5)? ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND. Thanks a lot, giant feet. WHY IS EVERYTHING ABOUT ME SO HUGE EXCEPT MY SENSE OF SELF-IMPORTANCE? :|

✦ I am writing a story where Eames has a unicorn in his subconscious and Arthur's still clinging to a particular virginity and also, killer blankets? I can't say it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever written, because I did write the Kimahri/Rikku story back in the day (oh god) but it's up there.

I don't know where this idea came from, but I am now fascinated with unicorn myths and representations and what they symbolize for different people and have spent a unmentionable amount of time digging around via Interlibrary loan to look at unicorn resources to see what I can have sent to me...instead of looking for sources for my final paper. :|

I am also super curious about how setting up subconscious security works! I cannot decide and I am sure whatever route I go will be the total opposite of whatever accepted fanon is and therefore a disaster. I played a word association game with

owlmoose by accident and she gave me ideas when she free associated from the word "security" and now I feel like I should do a poll to see what people think of when they see that word. Why not warp some childhood imagery?

Meanwhile, 40k on fake marriage fic, no end in sight, and I may need to go read some romance novels about getting married (recs?), also some books about knives and also remember how to ground roast a hog, because it's been ten years since I did it last. FML

✦ EX MODE collection has been revealed! I hope they do another remix, I really want to take part next time, and hopefully I will be done with school by then (she says, fatalistically).

✦ Speaking of awesome transformative work, it's time for The Organization of Transformative Works to have their 2011 Fund Drive. I have been working for the OTW since 2009, when I was a young, clueless newbie who thought it would be fun to ask about the state of Final Fantasy tags, volunteered, was a volunteer, for oh, a month or two and then became a committee chair! HOW EXCITING, RIGHT, it wasn't at all comparable to being thrown in a shark tank, no, more like a dolphin tank. Definitely dolphins. They taught me lots of new skills (I can use a wiki—sort of! and Campfire and Basecamp!) and have watched lots of changes and awesome features be created and built and new ideas are proposed all the time. For instance, we're soliciting ideas for hosting fanart, which has been my fondest wish for years and now it's finally getting juice.

I have resume skills! No longer do I only have to list "can fix leaking ICEE machine with scotch tape and chewed gum" and "can oil and pan 120 personal pan pizzas in 16 minutes and 25 seconds" and unlike work where I once almost got into a fistfight with a vendor over his crap blocking my Pizza Hut order in the freezer because he wouldn't move, everyone loves compromise and helping out. I have marketable skills! I can use spreadsheets and manage teams and problem solve sensitive issues and write copy for things.

If I had to choose my favorite thing from the last year, it would be this:

renay. These icons were created by

justira using Bing's graphic for

ff_press (we use

instead) and then were adopted as the new favicon for the AO3. Our favicon is transformative! They are so awesome and it is rad to see them everywhere. I feel a little like a traitor because the Kudos feature is awesome.... But the icons. ;__; They are adorable.

Which is really to say, hey, if you can, come give us money and become a member so we can continue to have this cute icon. IT IS SO CUTE. And all the other things, too: our slick new servers, our awesome future in fanart and other non-fic mediums, membership development, and giving fans like me the chance to develop real-world applicable skills! :D Also, the dolphins are nice, too. You could come over. I'll introduce you.

✦ I am behind on everything. I did not think it was possible to be this behind, but I was sorely mistaken. I have hit that point where I have so much work that I am afraid to look directly at it for fear of being blinded by the glare of it (or the glare of people standing over it staring at me, wondering why is it not done—! She says, looking out for her board mentor...over her shoulder...while she writes fic). Schoolwork and OTW work and really all I want to do is write ridiculous things and be silly on the internet. I have not really felt like this since 2006, writing-wise, where I am just having fun and not thinking about grammar and my abuse of commas and my terrible habit of putting jokes everywhere. It's relaxing! :D I don't want to lose it, but I need to do my work! Tengo un examen miedo que requiere mucho de la escritura. :( (Es probable que estas frases no son correctas.)

I wanted to spend my exam recovery time reading all the fic I had saved but instead I spent it cleaning my inbox and getting it down to 200 messages...how exciting my life is! Look, look at how it sparkles...and none of the fic was read and it was very sad. There are so many Inception stories, how will I ever catch up?

✦ Part of that whole writing thing is this Arthur/Eames story. asldj;alskd;alskd this thing...where I write without a title. Really...? I never write without titles. Also, it's kidfic. Add in ridiculous. With a side of "RENAY, WHY SO MUCH TERRIBLE DIALOGUE STOP TRYING TO BE AARON SORKIN, OKAY, IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN."

Friends, I really loved The West Wing, especially its whip-smart, hilarious, absolutely unrealistic dialogue. :( It hurts my heart, I want to write dialogue that perfect. I also want to grow up to be C.J. Cregg. None of these things will happen.

✦ I...don't know if I have mentioned that I am on tumblr. I don't think I have! I am on tumblr here! It's really nothing special at all and will probably end in tears, but there are so many interesting tumblr posts that I want to save. Reblogging seems like an excellent way to do this. I would like to follow my friends posting/reblogging interesting things, too! If you are on tumblr, let's follow each other in a loving queue of warmth (if you want). ♥

✦ Part of my ~self-improvement~ this year was to love and appreciate myself more and not put myself down when interacting with people. Sometimes I will go to comment on posts on my reading list and wince. "Renay," I say to myself, "that is silly. They do not care about that. It is all about you. Shame." Which means I don't post that comment. But I also do it when talking about other people, I will convince myself with, "They will think you are a creeper if you act like you know too much—! Best to back away." I don't post that comment, either. It is a very lonely existence!

This is a very fine line and I am trying to learn how to walk it. I don't want to be That Stranger on My Reading List Who Has a Thing For Tom Hardy, I would rather be, That's Renay! She is Friendly and Has A Weird Thing For Tom Hardy, I Don't Really Get It But She's Nice I GUESS! I would readily accept that second title and step into your hearts. Not that I expect to step into your heart if you are reading this, this is a pressure free zone, I will not touch your heart without your explicit permission. However, I may fill your comments with nervous rambling and awkward graphics such as this graphical representation of my awkwardness at commenting ( Read more... )

S-sorry in advance.

✦ I would have recs today since it's the end of the week but I have called off reading any because I need to be reading books for school. This is so sad because there are awesome things happening and I can't go read them! MY HEART. I am so jealous of everyone right now, why did I put all this off. :( I have a Women Writers exam on Tuesday and I am less than excited because this is the first exam I will have with this professor. I have been told she is difficult! It's pretty much normal for me to fail the first exam with a new professor, because I will study incorrectly or focus in the wrong places. Then when I get the exam, I go, "FUCK." in my head and then vomit lots of words hoping to cover how much I suck.

✦ OTW has new servers! To get them all set up, we have to have some downtime and during the downtime we're hosting a name the server festival. I am pretty excited about this! Directly from the post: we would LOVE some names from sources not in English. Gaming/anime/manga fans, this is us! :D You can learn about what all our new machines are going to be doing at Meet the Machines in case you want to get all thematic.

ALSO, the art is so adorable! ♥

On a personal note, I am happy because this means I can wrangle again. The interface has been slow for me, to the point where I can't even check things for admin issues on some days. I think it's a problem on my end more than a problem with our awesome first servers that have been superhero-levels of awesome with the help of the fab Systems team, but still. A Wrangling Co-Chair that cannot wrangle is not very useful. I am so thankful to fandom for giving us resources to level up!

✦

regann is doing a really neat Romantic Comedy Countdown to celebrate Valentine's day. It is so cool and her posts about the movies really interesting. Her choices aren't what you'd expected—she's gone back to the early 20th century and it's really fascinating. I have added lots of movies to my Netflix queue.

✦ Final Fantasy Kiss Battle is still on! There were three pages when I last looked, and I bookmarked tons of prompts I want to write. BUT I HAVE TO WAIT. That's okay, other people are writing and drawing awesome things. *jealous*

What other cool stuff is happening out on the internet that I can't enjoy because I am drowning in medieval literature? *cries bitter tears* Time to go back to the word mines...

I hope everyone has a good, procrastination-less start start to their week. ♥

1. I am going to look back in ten years and go, "What did I do in 2010?" and have no clue because I never write about it. My subconscious has decided to shut it out. Who needs you, 2010! You have not been great. You have been a complete jerk. There's two months of you left and I will spend most of that time flailing over a Spanish course and working at $dayjob. Ugh, $dayjob. I go back on December 15th. I expect to cry for at least four days leading up to it.

2. Things I want: more Ariadne/Yusuf fic. I should just write some, really, but no, I have 38,000 words of this megaflare thing to complete in a week, and apparently I am now bribing

justira and

seventhe toward the finish line of their monster fic with filthy Laguna/Squall porn.

My life, my choices, etc.

Also, Inception fandom scares me ~~a little~~ a lot. It's like the abyss. *squints at it*

3. I have tried and failed to read so many books. Latest failure: The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie. It's good, and the fact that it's good when I read it but I forget it completely when I stop is a sign it's not the books, it's me. I guess I am not into books right now, which saddens me a little bit. I swing back and forth, and there's no huge release in particular I'm excited about — that's next year when the Internet told me that The Republic of Thieves will exist and it can come home with me, forever and ever. I AM SO READY.

4. This happened. Which was awesome. I helped! But, okay, mostly I helped for the buttons. I really wanted those buttons, seriously. But it was for a good cause.

5. For the rest of the semester I will be spending every week day in the Spanish lab! To earn green cards. Every time I think of this requirement it makes me pause. Green cards? They couldn't have found a better term? I just. I don't know. Maybe it actually means nothing!

6. I got really stuck yesterday, writing, and went out and read some writing advice. Good use of time! *g* This was one of the last things I found and it was pretty exactly what I needed to read about writing, school, life in general. I love when that happens, when you can find advice that just resonates.

I swear when this megaflare business is done I am going to spend a week writing gratuitous amounts of fic for obscure YA fandoms. *determined*

The OTW is currently holding a week-long membership drive. Today I opened my reading list and read the post focusing on Open Doors. This post summarizes many of the reasons I support OTW — history. I can read short stories written by a man 100 years ago just by going to my library, but I can't find the first Final Fantasy VIII story I read. Obviously there's a difference between them; but to me I feel the loss of all stories, not just stories deemed fit for publication in books and magazines. I like history, all history, but fannish history especially, whether it's my fandom, or another fandom where I have no horse in the race.

I became interested in OTW when they first announced they were building an archive. I didn't follow closely during their formation period, but tuned back in during 2008. I joined up and gave them some cash in 2009 (a very small amount of cash, but it felt good!). Then I sent a very whiny form in fall of last year, complaining about the lack of hierarchical structure of the Final Fantasy fandoms. Little did I know that my complaints would lead me into a group where metatags have become the holy grail of the wranglers! WE WILL DRINK FROM THE CUP OF METATAG AND BE HEALED.

dizmo always has better metaphors about metatags and the Wrangulator, however, this is one of the reasons she is the other wrangler co-lead and also awesome. *g*

(Seriously, I am ridiculously excited about these tags.)

In 2007,

justira and I embarked on building an Final Fantasy archive. We stopped when OTW came onto the scene because the people behind it were powerhouses and had like, PHDs in Awesome. I in particular wanted to see if they could live up to the promise of an inclusive archive that was robust and took into account the nature of different types of fandoms. I didn't want a repeat of FFnet, however integral that site was to my development as a fan. I wanted layers! I wanted to tag my work with more than two characters. I wanted to be able to write porn and use punctuation and not worry who was earning money when their ads appeared on my work or freak out that my stories would be deleted. I wanted peace of mind. It was a tall order, but OTW has accomplished that with AO3 for my purposes so far. AO3 can be good for my fandoms in that it gives a place to grow and create an organized niche. We share the archive with other fandoms, but we can create our own home, move our own language, create our own tags in one centralized place if that's important for us (and it is for me), and they will respect that. The ability to grow and change is built in — and we can take advantage of it. AO3 is descriptive, not prescriptive. We make it what we want it to be, because it's ours.

I think the work they're doing is important. I think it's worth enough to dedicate my time and money to, a group that believes in fans as creative individuals doing free, innovate work for reasons that have nothing to do with profiting, unless by profiting we mean acquiring new friends and laughter and fun. I have a lot of fun with the work I am doing, and the benefits are rad. My resume is going to look awesome. It's like my mentor told me, cue paraphrase: "if you're not learning real world skills, I'm doing it wrong."

I've been a member of OTW for a year, and in that year I have been on the outside, moved to the inside, watched it grow and change and actual feedback from actual fans alter policy. I have become a leader and made changes that will impact the organization in the future. Me, a random plebe, no-name fan in gaming fandoms. I did all this in five months. Anyone can do it by volunteering (especially for wrangling, hint hint). OTW is not being disingenuous when they say by fans, for fans. They don't mean big media fans, or just the fans who write about TV shows. They mean fans, period. It is about all of us, and the support we offer lets them continue making it about us. I am down with that.

OTW FTW! *goes to give them multiple dollars*

Here are some other posts from the wranglers! <3:

OTW by

kathgrr
March the Eleventh! by

akamine_chan

Ao3 is in open beta and everyone can toss their name in the ring for an invite. I've been going on and on about it, but I thought I would step up formally and invite people to come join the tag wrangler team. ( Read more... )

Just think of all the stories you ever posted on FFnet that you worked so hard on that proceeded to not work or look a hot mess suddenly when FFnet changed their War on Markup policies with no notice. Remember those feelings, and put yourself in the Ao3 queue.

March 2010 for FFXIII. The first thing I thought when I saw that was "shit, we're going to have to step up the decision about newsletter inclusion policies!" I thought we had until at least June. Well, if you don't hear from me after December, it's because

animecrush and

sirea1182 have clubbed me and buried me out back. Ira and Sev wouldn't; they'd just stage a mutiny. I can't decide which is worse. XD

Although I am just—I couldn't help but laugh. Final Fantasy XIII's marketing song is an advertisement for Leona Lewis? lksjdfjsdf Oh my goooosh. I guess it's easier than pushing some J-pop artists no one here knows; trying to force the majority out of our comfort zone is impossible.

There's an interesting discussion about Seifer (not necessarily in the context of S/Z), over on seiferzell. I think I have always been way more easygoing with Seifer as fandom as a whole tends to see him. He was a driving force in the game, so I have just made peace with multiple interpretations and sneak away from the ones I can't suspend disbelief for. It's a lot less stressful. <3

Via

jaebility: "Reading is the inhale, writing is the exhale." (Which hilariously, I think can apply particularly to the Seifer discussion!)

More newsletter discoveries. Ira found this (FFXII spoilers) and I almost keeled over from the AMOUNT OF AWESOME. Excuse me, fandom, why does this only have four comments?

Rina shared this link. If you don't coo a little I am convinced you have a shriveled heart. >.>

Now I have to miss out on all the open beta excitement by going to work! Curses!

I am a newbie tag-wrangler for AO3 (I always want to write it AO³ but am too lazy to code it). \o/

I am pretty excited, but there's a lot to learn and read up on, so I'm glad I have two days off coming up (and I will probably try uploading some fic to my shiny new account on the archive! Shinies. >.>). They're also having their October donations drive right now. :D

Meanwhile, the Trick or Treat meme is back! Guidelines over there, thanks to

first_seventhe for getting us started, everyone go play!

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OTW: Willing to Serve Drive!

On silence

oh OTW no

OTW, or, I am exhausted.

OTW volunteer work: October 2011

OTW 2011 Board Election

and delicious cotton candy was consumed by all

signal boost!

HELLO FROM SUMMER

dream unicorn attack!

who needs a passing Spanish grade when there's Inception fic?

there were women writers in the 12th century and they were WORDY

I think it's just because I don't want to remember 2010

Organization for Transformative Works, how are you so awesome?

Ao3 \o/ and a lot of links!

Trick or Treat 2009! and stuff

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