subverting the text

My final essay, titled "The Cock is not a Joke: Decoupling Political and Social Power from the Penis" was one of nine A's (the highest grade given). The professor wrote, "Excellent. First rate. You do a fine, detailed job of outlining Halberstam's essay. Your paper is well written and beautifully argued."

This is notable because it is the last essay comment from a professor I will receive and the grade that ensured my A in the class. I earned high A's in Lit Theory and American Indian, and a D — 66% — in Algebra, which I am so grateful to echthroi for, because I couldn't have done it without him. Thanks to justira and seventhe for giving me this opportunity and believing in me and supporting me through my university's continued fail and tone deaf behavior.

I have earned my B.A. in English and my history minor. I'm done. \o/

✦ AO3 is running the April Showers Challenge where every day they focus on a different fandom and invite people to come upload their work. :) Any fandom is welcome, definitely, not just the ones being highlighted. Come preserve your fanworks with us! Now is a great time, since AO3 user subscriptions have arrived! ♥

April 12th is Final Fantasy day! I found three things I wasn't embarrassed by to upload (score!). I have a few invites if anyone needs them, just let me know. <3 There is another fandom close to my heart coming up soon and I am ridiculously excited. :D

✦ Inception Kink Fest happened and I basically missed it! THAT'S OKAY, I GUESS, THANKS FOR NOTHING UNIVERSITY. I have learned a lot about kink...just reading the master list. :D Inception fandom has single-handedly doubled the kinks I apparently enjoy? Self-knowledge is awesome. There's SO MUCH...and my to-read tag is insane (I really hope I am not the only person who has one of these that's over 500). I'll catch up...in June? At which point there will still be two months unaccounted for. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH A FANDOM THIS LARGE/ACTIVE. /o\

✦ I am considering an ereader for fic purposes (and possibly school book purposes for next semester, ugh I hate reading hard copy with a passion which is going to make my American Indian class super interesting). This is possibly the most self-indulgent purchase I've considered for myself in years, but I am going back to work soon and would really like to just have a bunch of reading material available on a device bigger than my iPhone screen. I don't want a Kindle, and I need something that can read .html and .pdf files and one that could do the files that AO3 exports works in would be great, too. Does anyone have any suggestions?

✦ ( blah blah school paper topic, tears, etc. )

So I am sorry if I am not around very much or suddenly vanish when I am. :( I am best catchable on bottle.of.shine@gmail.com on Gtalk, though, if you need me for something (I HAVE SO MANY PROJECTS) or Tom Hardy suddenly acquires a Twitter account and you need me for EMERGENCY FLAILING. SOMEONE BETTER ALERT ME IF THAT HAPPENS, I AM NOT KIDDING.

✦ Spanish exam today where the professor seriously put questions on the test from a story he didn't even give us. :| My blood pressure!

✦ I AM BORING, SORRY. I want to be writing, not studying, but there's only three more weeks. Then: no much writing! SO MUCH.

What I have been doing:

✦ Writing goofy Rikku/Wakka for owlmoose's birthday! YAY, KJ HAD A BIRTHDAY. \o/

✦ studying and writing, writing and studying. I managed to, through a hilarious series of events, stress myself out over the writing so much that I blocked myself. I couldn't help it! I got excited! I got excited and threw myself into writing and realized 10k in, "Oh shit, wait, there are really talented people in Inception fandom and I am not one of them HIT THE FUCKING PANIC BUTTON." (Which I admit is a tad silly.) This resulted in a writing block the size of a hairy gorilla that wanted to strangle me. I need to remember to please myself first, tell the story in my head, and it's okay if other people disagree with what I do. I can only be me! Even if that me isn't very creative plot-wise. I AM SORRY FOR ALL THE WRONGS I AM GOING TO INFLICT.

✦ Failing Spanish.

✦ Reading Little House on the Prairie on my iPhone. Don't ask. Or ask owlmoose, who I literally struck speechless with the reason. That never happens. *preens*

✦ Starring at my inbox in horror and fishing over fifteen important e-mails out of spam that I am going to have to reply to. I owe a lot of people e-mails and replies! I have not forgotten you!

✦ Starting ladybusiness.

✦ Reading The Waking Years three times as a reward for finishing a big assignment, which I will ramble about in a rec post when I get time to make a rec post, JFC.

✦ Eating too many girl scout cookies. :(

TWO WEEKS UNTIL SPRING BREAK.

✦ Ahaha, Inception fandom, what are you doing to me? Why do I have WIP in this fandom? Why is it going to (probably) be 20k? How did this happen? I swore off WIP for a reason and that reason was, well, crippling fear of letting people down with crappy endings (PEOPLE I LIKE D: D: ). WHY DO I DO THESE THINGS TO MYSELF? However, a certain co-chair should know that I have completed most of my tardy induction work and now can write/update without feeling guilty. >.>

✦ There's a filename meme going around: Post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. I am so disappointed that I am so boring. Everything is nicely labeled in my docs and Scrivener folder and makes perfect sense or is either so off the wall it's simply perplexing. No mysterious filenames! No amusing/embarrassing choices. I give up on every being delightfully quirky in my file organization: ( yawn )

✦ In Women Writers we have been talking about the feminine divine and how many writers sought to find a female space in the discourse of the time. I was transcribing my lecture recording where the professor read from a text we don't have (and to be honest I wasn't listening to her read it, I was writing fic in my notebook to stay awake) and came across this: The mother can lay her child tenderly to her breast, but our tender Mother, Jesus, can led us easily into his blessed breast through his sweet open side and show us there a part of the godhead and of the joys of heaven, with inner certainty of endless bliss.

A lot of people on Twitter asked me when I first talked about this course if there were any women writing in the medieval period. There were lots and they all scare me a little and make me feel inferior as a writer. There's your answer.

✦ I gave myself a few hours today for silly writing. ( ... )

Now I am back to having to get serious (ugh adulthood, what is this). I have a paper due over two influential writers to myself on the 22nd and I have no thesis because...how does one connect a fan author who writes dudes fucking to a progressive feminist blogger...exactly...? My professor sort of stared at me like I was bonkers and offered no assistance. I'm going to fail this course, I'm going to fail it and end up a hobo who works at $dayjob making overpriced coffee for unappreciative rednecks and children in the mall babysitting program.

✦ Catherine linked me to this and then THIS because she doesn't believe I need peaceful REM sleep. EXCUSE ME, I'LL BE GOING TO SLEEP TO DREAM NIGHTMARE UPON NIGHTMARE.

✦ I would have recs today since it's the end of the week but I have called off reading any because I need to be reading books for school. This is so sad because there are awesome things happening and I can't go read them! MY HEART. I am so jealous of everyone right now, why did I put all this off. :( I have a Women Writers exam on Tuesday and I am less than excited because this is the first exam I will have with this professor. I have been told she is difficult! It's pretty much normal for me to fail the first exam with a new professor, because I will study incorrectly or focus in the wrong places. Then when I get the exam, I go, "FUCK." in my head and then vomit lots of words hoping to cover how much I suck.

✦ OTW has new servers! To get them all set up, we have to have some downtime and during the downtime we're hosting a name the server festival. I am pretty excited about this! Directly from the post: we would LOVE some names from sources not in English. Gaming/anime/manga fans, this is us! :D You can learn about what all our new machines are going to be doing at Meet the Machines in case you want to get all thematic.

ALSO, the art is so adorable! ♥

On a personal note, I am happy because this means I can wrangle again. The interface has been slow for me, to the point where I can't even check things for admin issues on some days. I think it's a problem on my end more than a problem with our awesome first servers that have been superhero-levels of awesome with the help of the fab Systems team, but still. A Wrangling Co-Chair that cannot wrangle is not very useful. I am so thankful to fandom for giving us resources to level up!

✦ regann is doing a really neat Romantic Comedy Countdown to celebrate Valentine's day. It is so cool and her posts about the movies really interesting. Her choices aren't what you'd expected—she's gone back to the early 20th century and it's really fascinating. I have added lots of movies to my Netflix queue.

✦ Final Fantasy Kiss Battle is still on! There were three pages when I last looked, and I bookmarked tons of prompts I want to write. BUT I HAVE TO WAIT. That's okay, other people are writing and drawing awesome things. *jealous*

What other cool stuff is happening out on the internet that I can't enjoy because I am drowning in medieval literature? *cries bitter tears* Time to go back to the word mines...

I hope everyone has a good, procrastination-less start start to their week. ♥

✦ I keep trying to get excited about this semester, but unfortunately it is not happening for me. Instead, I want to write self-indulgent fic (and I am doing, no worries there, ha ha) and daydream about next semester when I will have Lit Theory and possibly a history course with my favorite professor to round out my minor, prepping for graduation in December. I will have a degree in a year. A completely useless degree that will not net me a job, anyway, but that's fine. I will have finished, and screw everyone who said if I took a break I would never finish. Although, I have decided not to go the grad school. I have been debating this for awhile. I really do want to go to library school eventually, but all the news is just terrible right now in that sector and I already have so many loans. Also, I would enjoy a break from school, too. I am simply not one of those people who likes constant formal education. There is always later!

✦ In other news, ff_exchange is gearing up. We are really excited about it behind the scenes, um, a lot. We are trying to make it easier on ourselves this year, though, because we're all so busy (I have so many projects, cry). Hilariously, I will not have time to take part — all my participant time will be spent moderating. *g* I will compromise by providing pinch hit support and doing a lot of Moogle Fluff at round end for folks. We couldn't just not host it. It's too much fun watching everyone else have fun. We would love for everyone to come and create some awesome fanwork with us. *bribes with porn*

✦ EX MODE signups close today (time zone reference) and I am put out because, gee, school, did you have to make all these assignments due at the very same time in February/March? Exams and papers. ._. I am kind of tempted to sign up to pinch hit to thumb my nose at school. But regardless, if you're interested in a remix challenge, give this a shot, so I can live vicariously through you!

✦ How much do I want the news that Mia Wasikowska might be starring in The Wettest County in the World (which Tom Hardy is also attached to!) to be true? A LOT. *_* BOTH OF THEM IN MY EYES AT THE SAME TIME. I was one of those people who loved Burton's Alice in Wonderland mostly because of Wasikowska's performance and Depp's supporting role. ♥ ♥ Also, I have Thoughts about the nominations: there are no female directors in best directors (....really...?), Winter's Bone is nominated but will not win, Jennifer Lawrence is nominated but won't win (I hate this idea of "paying dues", let me tell you). If The Social Network wins, arg. That said, if you haven't see Winter's Bone, I highly recommend it. It is an excellent, very true to life film (it mirrors so many of my experiences...these are my people, basically, this is my culture) and it passes Bechdel. The female characters in this film are fabulous.

✦ It is so early. ._. Zach woke me up at seven with breakfast even though I went to bed at two. Although, going to bed at two is better than going to bed at seven, which has been the theme for about two and a half weeks now. I love insomnia. But I am resisting going back to bed and reading the 10,000 awesome WIP fics that Inception fandom is producing on my iphone, warm and cozy under my covers. OH GOD THAT SOUNDS LIKE SUCH A GREAT IDEA. ( distract self with sappy Inception fic, go! )

✦ Zach has promised me sushi if I stay awake. This is so tempting I'll try it. Or I will just wait for the sushi, distract myself with Robot Unicorn Attack (CHRIS WHY DID YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS GAME), eat, then nap after Zach goes back to work. Ultimate plan!

I hope everyone is having a good Friday so far. ♥

Final grades were released today. zachariah and I had a bet going for sushi Saturday night — I said I would make a 1.5 and he said I would make a 2.0 and we were both wrong.



Well, I still get sushi because I survived this nightmare semester. Today was also my first day back to work, annnnnd I don't really want to talk about it because it will upset me! After the delicious disaster (still not convinced I should trust them), I would sincerely like some happiness! Like a list of books I want to read over the holidays:

Pegasus, McKinley: I have only ever read Sunshine. I am hopeful? It sounds interesting!

Cordelia's Honor, Bujold: I am being peer pressured into this.

The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks, Lockhart: mostly because I need some Frankie/Alpha in my life and will have to write it myself.

BUT EVEN MORE HAPPINESS: Tom Hardy! ( How can I get him to look at me like this? )

When I first saw these photos I was like, "SO MANY LAYERS!" There's like a leather jacket and a hoodie (I don't think they're connected), then two or three shirts? (I can't tell, I assume three because of the colors), and the bottom layer totally looks like it could be THERMAL UNDERWEAR, all right? WHICH MEANS HE COULD ALSO HAVE THE LEG PORTION ON UNDER HIS JEANS. We're not going to talk about how long I've stared at this photo going, "Tom Hardy, why?" and then wondered where all the fic is where Eames is bundled up against the cold and Arthur can't seem to get through the layers of impenetrable fabric to touch his skin. You see it with suit!fic, Arthur in complicated suits and Eames going "Okay, I am about to rip this crap off you no matter how much it was!", but never the other way around. The layers foil Arthur's seductions attempts over and over and over and it's hilarious in my head and I need this is my life...so much so I started writing it today on my lunch break. As per usual, it's already 2000 words. WTF is wrong with me. I have published a total of 2000 questionable words in this fandom and have 57k that's hidden in padlocked docs because I am so shhhhhy and afraid of being a failure, which means this story will end up in the same place as all the others. *g* THAT'S OKAY, though. It will entertain ME, at the least.

Tomorrow I work the dreaded LAST SATURDAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS and if it was anything like today, ha ha, FML. I hope everyone else has a wonderful Saturday full of happiness (feel free to share it so I can live vicariously through your stories of joy and cheer while I top 90 personal pan pizzas a'sda'sddd).

My Shakespeare class is over. I cannot express my joy at this. I may end up with a 2.0 GPA for this semester, but that is okay. I will take it, just to be done, forever, with British literature before 1900. One Spanish exam and then freedom for three weeks.

I was making a birthday wishlist for my mother because if I don't she goes to Walgreens and buys me fuzzy colored socks, forgetting that I still have the pairs of fuzzy color socks from my last birthday, and thus, am full up on fuzzy colored socks. It's mostly a collection of books that everyone has been posting about over the last few months. I have been skimming a lot and starring even more to go and read (which I will probably never manage), but I saw somewhere that Zoo City is finally being published. I've drooled over the cover before, so why not again:



Ugh, it is amazing and I want it in my hands right now. Truthfully, I am not even sure what it's about, but that worked out with Soulless. I don't feel bad about being one of those people who love a great cover design and will base her reading habits off of it. Engage me visually, publishers! I like gorgeous things.

And I will use the end of that paragraph to segue into the picture that's pinging around the internet sending all fangirls into, no joke, spasms of joy and light. TOM HARDY, HOW ARE YOU REAL. ( gdi tom hardy )

Screw resizing, man. Screw resizing. *_____* The movie this still is from comes out September of next year, what the shit is that about. It needs to be in my pants yesterday.

It's ridiculous; I made it ten years in fandom without getting invested in the actors (mostly by staying in fandoms that don't require them beyond voice acting), and then Tom Hardy comes along and I'm screwed. I can't explain it, I can't excuse it, I can't stop it, so I guess I just have to embrace it. I have become a Tom Hardy fangirl and I am not ashamed. Although, I am not sure how I could be, come on, come on, look at that. Jesus, I want to lick him. FEEL FREE TO JOIN ME.

I go back to work for two days this weekend, as I agreed to do in July, because I love my manager. I have to keep repeating that: I love my manager! She is great! I want to help her out! It's just two days, after all; and it's not like I have forgotten the job, but I know I am going to freeze as soon as the first rude customer strikes and have to adjust my happy place a little to protect it from the grime of angry holiday shoppers (why do you go shopping that early if you know you will be a grump??). So, a plea from me, abused retail cog: be nice to all customer service employees this weekend, even if they seem rude or dismissive. It's not you; it's us. We're exhausted. I am a little exhausted just thinking about it, or maybe that's me realizing I really do have to go to work at three o'clock in the morning. *g*

I have been working on my final Shakespeare paper. It's not going well and I've changed my thesis about seven times at this point. I am so worn down and discouraged by this professor. Unannounced, paired exams, typos and misspellings as trick questions, lectures about close reading when we did zero close reading assignments or papers the entire semester, ridiculously detailed and specific paper requirements for a paper we barely discussed, a professor that was late every single day, constantly disorganized, who has us grade our own exams so he didn't have to. He rarely engaged us critically over the source, and when he did and we didn't answer, he would berate us for not reading the material — even though many of us had (I read all the plays, and two of them twice, accompanied by LibraVox).

This is very important, and something I know as a person who has trouble speaking in front of unfamiliar people in unfamiliar, public places: in a class where the professor is the only one who ever speaks, no, of course we're not going to be ready with answers, of course we're not going to have an opinion. I really have never understood why professors that silence students with constant lectures, the opinion of the same person over and over and over expect a chorus when they finally deign to give them a voice, or listen to their thoughts at all. It all felt like a performance, and he was the star -- but I don't find that format very conducive to learning, and I know I am not the only one in the class struggling right now.

Not to mention some of the material. I just don't see why it's important that Shakespeare was related to a man involved in the Gunpowder Plot. How is this enriching my understanding of Shakespeare's work and life? I do not like getting tested over what amounts to trivia the professor finds amusing and that's what so many of the tests are. I expected more from this course than to just parrot back his opinions; it's very disappointing.

I am tired of being a broken record; this has just been a very hard, long semester full of not fun academic stuff. Next term I still have to suffer through Spanish, but I get to take Women Writers, and I am looking forward to that. I will be glad when this semester is over and I can go back to doing interesting things and having fun again, even if it does mean a return to work. At least I will make some money, I guess, which I will then use to see Tangled, and The Tempest, and buy Inception on Blu-ray, as well as plan for my birthday trip to The Melting Pot. \o/

(And I totally owe Susan Inception fic, which I may hold hostage for her Mega Flare story. I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS, MISSY. FAIR WARNING.)